Eccentric Ramblingz

Baking Evolution

2011-04-03T19:33:00.005-04:00

I was thinking recently about my baking and how it's evolved. I learned to cook at the feet of my grandmothers, my dad, and my mom. I would watch and soak it in. They would rarely use cookbooks or measuring gadgets. When they did use cookbooks these books would be ragged and worn from extensive use. I do miss seeing that. My cookbooks are pristine for the most part except the ones passed down. You see my cookbooks are in a cabinet and rarely if ever used. Is it because I know all the recipes by heart?? No. It's because I use the internet for just about every recipe. I have a notebook. One of those little black and white composition books that has some written recipes in it and a whole stack of paper recipes printed off the computer. Although my mother-in-law did leave me a gem. She left me this Tennessee cookbook that as soon as you put it down it opens to a carrot cake recipe. This carrot cake recipe is the best I've ever had! I like to add a twist to the recipes I use to make them somewhat of my own, but some you just can't mess with. My only regret was not paying enough attention when bread was being made. I can't seem to get it right. The past few weeks I've been making cupcakes for various reasons and wanted to share a couple of pictures of the ones I have done. Both recipes I found online but added my own touch to them. This first one is a dark chocolate cupcake with a semi-sweet chocolate ganache and drizzled with a caramel sauce.
This last one is a mexican hot chocolate cupcake with a spicy whipped cream frosting *which had a hard time even getting on the cupcake due to consumption* and a surprise dulce de leche center!!

From Delicious to Decorating

2011-02-19T09:29:00.008-05:00

My friend and co-worker celebrated her birthday on Friday, Feb. 12th but she didn't tell us it was her birthday. She is a dark chocolate lover and I had in mind to make her a cake, but then I came across this recipe!! Dark Chocolate Cupcake with a White Chocolate Ganache topped with Cinnamon Sugar Candied Bacon!! Long name I know but oh my gosh oh so tasty!! I got them from another blogger that was connected to the Pioneer Woman's website. My cousins and some friends talk of this Pioneer Woman all the time and I had never checked it out. I wish I would have before Valentine's as she was giving away this awesome Kitchen Aide!! I could completely design a kitchen around this mixer. Click the link and check it out! I am trying to find my design style so I can get started. I want to call it eccentric/quirky and do it up good with a bunch of mismatched plates, cups, curtains, you get the idea! Oh and quotes like "If you're afraid of butter, just use cream." Julia Child or "Things taste better in small houses." Queen Victoria or "You know it’s a good recipe if it starts with a stick of butter." Paula Dean or maybe "Life itself is the proper binge." Julia Child. I don't know how I went from blogging about the delicious cupcakes from earlier in the week to what I want my design style to be but it went there. Try those cupcakes out or give me a call sometime and I'll make them for you! Oh and the picture above is one of the ones I took of the cupcakes I made. It's not great but for being from a cell phone I thought it was very good. Oh and any of those three recipes are good on their own too! The bacon especially!!

All figured out??? I think not!!

2011-01-01T22:23:00.007-05:00

Ok, so this post has changed titles several times and I was looking for some profound wisdom and words to pass on as I meditate on a verse I came across in my Bible study. Well it hit me today and it's of the simplest meanings and clarity. I have 1 Corinthians 13 marked with a book mark and read the love verses as I call them often. However, I think I was stopping before this verse.

1 Corinthians 13:12

"Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely."

Three things, I don't have it all figured out nor will I ever, and that is OK! One day I will know it all, but then it won't even matter! And thirdly God knows it now and He knows me completely!

Why do I have to have it figured out, when the one who holds my heart and knows the number of hairs on my head at any given moment already knows it? I don't need to know it all if I'm fully trusting in Him.

Ah, I will live blissfully in the reflection of the cloudy mirror with my God guiding me this year.

Resolutions!?

2010-12-31T20:48:00.004-05:00

I have realized that every year I make resolutions for me and without a thought as to His plan or His resolutions for me. This is a new year and a new beginning in Him! Maybe this year my resolution should just simply be: Lord make me the person You want me to be from the inside out! I open every door to You, clean out my house! Okay, so there is nothing simple about that. I realize that God may have to tear down some things to rebuild them. It might be hard at times but through Him I can prevail. "Empty me of me, so I can be more like You!" Chris Sligh.

Lots of Updates

2010-12-28T09:40:00.004-05:00

Well it has been a long time since I blogged and I couldn't imagine why! Our little guy is now almost 14 months! I am amazed out how fast they grow and the new things he learns on a daily basis! He is almost freely walking. I say this because he would prefer to have his hand resting on something as opposed to letting fully go. As I type that I realize I am that way with my faith right now. I need to physically hold on to something and am being tentative to let go and let God. Anyway I am working on that!
Things have changed so very much with the addition of our little/big guy! At his last appointment he was 25 lbs and 30+ inches tall. We swear he has a growth spurt every week. He fills our lives with laughter and joy! He loves to cuddle! He is saying words here and there as well as making a few animal sounds. I work now as a teachers assistant at a private school. I work with the 2's and 3's with a couple 4's in there. I also cook and clean for the school! I love it! McKinley goes to a sitter while I am there from 8ish-3ish. I think about him constantly and have a picture of him and Dwayne up at school on our family wall! He loves the sitter! They are a couple from our church who's daughter is the same age as me. They love him so very much! They are a true blessing in many ways!! He is a big flirt!! I'm not sure where he gets that from, but oh it works!! He can be fussy and cranky but a cute teenage girl walks by and the smile comes out and the eyes start batting. It's quite comical to watch! He loves music and watching his Uncle Chad play drums. He just might be a drummer and that is fine with his dad and I. He loves being read books and is working on puzzles. Oh my can I talk about him any more? LOL! of course I could but that is enough for now. We hope to get him to TN and OK this Summer for some much needed family time! Having extended family here and people like family is great but nothing can replace blood family, flaws and all! I hope to start blogging more this year, but alas depends on the little guy!

5 months!!!!

2010-04-05T14:16:00.005-04:00

McKinley is 5 months old!! I'd say it seems like yesterday he was teeny tiny and we were just bringing him home, but in truth it feels like a long time ago. I look back at pictures even now and can't believe when he was that small. He's just a big boy! At his 4 month check up we were told he was 17 lbs 4 ozs and 25 1/2 inches long!! Basically he's the average size of a 7/8 month old. I wouldn't trade him for anything. He makes the world such a brighter place!!

10 things I love about my 5 month old little boy:
1. He's mine!!!
2. Rocking him to sleep, and just when I think he's asleep he turns his head to look at me and just grins from ear to ear, then closes his eyes and drifts back off to sleep.
3. When he stops crying at the sound of my voice most of the time. He enjoys me singing to him to for some weird reason.
4. The michelen man thighs! The only time in one's life when rolls are adorable!!
5. His chubby cheeks, oh so kissable.
6. I love his kisses!! He wide mouth kisses my cheek and slobbers away!!
7. I love the loud crying noises he makes in his crib, when he's flipped over from his tummy to his back, then smiles really big when he see's you come in. He's got the grin like I fooled you into coming and getting me!!
8. I love waking up hearing him cooing and talking with his daddy in the monitor!!
9. I love when he squeezes my neck so tight in a hug.
10. I love listening to him coo and talk.

He is trying food now. He does great with rice cereal. So far he loves applesauce, carrots and green beans too!! He is a hot natured baby much like his dad. We have found if it's warm somewhere and he's a bit cranky if we just take his pants off and leave him in a onesie, he loves it. We get some of his biggest smiles when he's getting undressed or bathing. Speaking of baths, he loves them. We moved him from a baby tub to just laying in the tub which he likes much better. He is wearing some 3-6 month items but we have found he is too long for others. He really wears anything from 3-6 months to 12 months. Actually the 12 month are onesies and they are big on him but comfy!! He rolls over from back to tummy and tummy to back. Really, he flips from his tummy to his back most of the time! He loves soft cloth type toys at the moment. We believe he is teething and might have a tooth that is just breaking through. We feel a little prick every now and again when he's chewing on our fingers. He gave up his pacifier for his fingers and we catch him sucking on his thumb occasionally. He mostly chews on them. We found out from his Aunt Bec that he really likes watching the Little Einstein dvds. We keep saying we're going to pick some up for him but just haven't gotten around to it. He has found his laugh. Daddy gets him to laugh pretty easily, I have to work at it a bit. His laugh is definitely in the developmental stages!

I could go on and on about him. He is the light of my day and takes my breath away all the time. God has truly blessed me!!

He is a true blessing in every way!!

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

2010-01-10T19:46:00.003-05:00

I was given an assignment by my cousin Dawn *It Just Dawned on Me* on happiness. She asked that I list 10 things that make me happy and tell why, so I'm going to give this a try. In no specific order:

1. My husband Dwayne! He is everything I dreamed and prayed for in a husband, but he's also so much more. He makes me think and he makes me laugh!! I feel the safest when I am with him. I love when he wraps his arms around me in a bear hug!! He makes me want to do better, to be a better person. He is strong, handsome, loving and I am so very thankful he is MINE!!!

2. My little guy, McKinley!! Oh how we prayed and prayed for this little guy and oh what a blessing he is. He makes my heart melt! His smile stops me and everyone else in their tracks. He has me wrapped around every one of his little fingers. I cannot kiss him enough. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me question my actions at times wondering what sort of influence that might be on him. I pray that I am doing right by him and pray for his future.

3. My friends and extended family. I wouldn't be who I am without them. I have so many of their qualities; compassion, stubbornness, strength, weaknesses, quietness, stillness, rowdy, boisterous just to name a few. They are their when I need them the most!!

4. Technology. Yes, I said it. I love technology most of the time. I text more often than talking on the phone as I hate to talk on the phone. I keep in touch through facebook, blogs, and email. I much prefer this way of communicating. I like the fact that I can look up a recipe for just about anything and have the results in seconds!! Better yet I like the fact I can look up anything and have the answer in more than one form in seconds. I like being able to tape a show on tivo and watch it without commercials or to fast forward through parts I don't want to watch.

5. Baking!! I love to cook, but mostly bake!!! I especially love sharing such baked goods with friends. I would love to open up a small little shop of some baked goods some day. That shop has changed from a cupcake shop, to a small cafe, to now being a pie shop with homemade vanilla ice cream and simple drip coffee. Something in the design of a grandma's kitchen.

6. Books. Mysteries and crime novels to be more specific. I like using my imagination to visualize the stories.

7. Watching sports with my husband and friends. I love the New York Yankees, especially their catcher Jorge Posada. I'm a Dallas Cowboys fan and like Marion Barber! I do enjoy watching Nascar and Mark Martin is my favorite driver. Yes I like others from each of these but the above are my favorites.

8. Movies. I love watching movies and can watch certain ones over and over. I'd list some of my favorites but that would take too long. I'm in awe of the constant growth *not sure that's the word* maybe evolution of special effects. Action movies are probably my favorite although I do enjoy a good chick flick now and then. Even as an adult I enjoy animated movies!!

9. Aslan, our Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. I know you say he's a dog but oh how he makes me happy. He is loyal, friendly and just seems to fit us perfectly. He curls up close to me when I'm holding the baby and he's become protective of our little guy. He watches people closely as they hold him to make sure they are doing it right. He barks at us if he doesn't think we're tending to McKinley fast enough.

10. My faith in God. Without God I couldn't be happy at all. I've been down that dark road time and again and when I turn around he's there with open arms welcoming me back! His compassion and mercy make me weak in the knees. He has blessed my life with so much I feel I can never thank him enough!

I have done my ten and now I'm tagging some other people here. What makes you happy?? Dwayne *Randomish Stuph*, Julie *The Clearing*, Becky *Intrigue/Passion/Rebellion*, Angie *Meanderings of a Mommy*, Mom *Wonderings and Wanderings*, Samantha *Green Eggs and Ham*, Kate *In a Shoe*, and Mara *Our Family Story*. If you're not tagged and do this please leave me a comment, I'd love to read about what makes you happy!!! Or just comment what makes you happy!!

One Month Old!! Now who does he look like??

2009-11-29T16:12:00.009-05:00

One month ago today I was in labor and delivery breathing through contractions until I wised up and got the epidural!! One month ago I had no idea how my life would change. Nights with little sleep, but many chances to hold and cuddle a cute baby late into the night and early into the morning. Long skinny fingers that grip tightly around a plump finger. Eyes that pierce through to the soul, captivating even the biggest and strongest of men. Continuous pinches to realize I'm not dreaming. He is real, he is our little boy! I am a mom! All the songs I wanted to sing to him when rocking him at night, not a lyric I can remember. He has changed so much since we first brought him home. The first picture is then and the second is now. Look at those chubby cheeks!! He's just now fitting into some of his 0-3 month outfits. He's gone from 6 lbs 5ozs to weighing 7 lbs 15ozs on Thanksgiving day.

I found baby pictures of both Dwayne and I and thought I'd ask who you think he looks most like. **Oh and Dawn does this outfit Dwayne is wearing look similar to the one you posted on your blog a while back or what??** There are little things about each of us that can be seen in one little blessing. I need to get one of him smiling because it melts the heart!!

McKinley David Douglas!!!

2009-11-21T12:16:00.005-05:00

As most of you know already our little guy decided he would come early. He arrived November 5th at 9:30p.m. He was 6 lbs 5 ozs and 20 3/4 inches long!! I say was because he just had his 2 week check-up and now weighs in at 7 lbs 4 oz. He has dark blue eyes that look more gray to me than anything which I'm guessing won't change much, as both his dad and I have hazel eyes. He has red hair!!! I'm hoping the curls come along with that a bit later.

I wanted to blog about my feelings but in truth I don't think I could do them justice. Many of you have been reading my blog since the beginning and know the trials we went through to get this little guy here and now he's here! My God who I turned my back on in anger during those two years at various times showed His love, grace, compassion, and mercy and gave me the most beautifully handsome little boy. I now pray I won't screw him up too much. I guess to best describe my feelings right now is I'm in a state of euphoria. I want to be poetic and it's rolling around in my head, but I will have to save it for later.

Little Things

2009-11-04T16:20:00.005-05:00

Our house is filling up with little things in anticipation of McKinley arriving in a month, give or take from today!!!!

Little tiny socks!!Little Tiny Shoes!Little clothes and hats!

A closet full of tiny things!The, oh so precious homemade quilts!
Our Sock Monkey theme!!

And one not so little gorilla!!! One of McKinley's first toys! Which Aslan loves...NOT!

Almost time

2009-10-15T09:41:00.002-04:00

So I got one of the pregnancy books back from a friend with the main premise being "attachment parenting." I'm not so sure I necessarily agree with this form of parenting but it does have some helpful tidbits in it. I would rather go on instinct and spiritual guidance. I really only borrowed the book to see what I should pack and to read up on things I thought I'd made my mind up about, but have since changed.

We are at I think a month and a half to go and not even that if he comes early which I think he will. Wishful thinking maybe, I prefer to call it being optimistic! I'm excited about the upcoming showers and seeing all the new stuff. The same way I get excited about going through a box of hand-me-downs! I should have read this book ahead of time on buying clothes for baby. I went through the clothes we have and noticed we had very few 0-3 month and 3-6 month outfits so I told the church to put that on our list for the shower. Now that we find out our baby is already a big guy I'm thinking he won't be wearing them too long if at all. LOL! I'm not taking the tags off everything.

I am looking forward to a non-rainy day to get all of the nursery stuff in the house and set up. I at least want the nursery set up and everything put away before the time slips us by.
Our bedding has been picked out for some time, but then I go to Target and find a different one I really like and it's way cheaper. At least I know where I'll be going if we don't happen to get the bedding set I registered for. :)

I think I'm most excited to see Dwayne holding his little guy for the first time. Actually I'm excited about all the first times to come. We've had so many already. The first picture that showed only a peanut like shape which I found I did not like calling him peanut and we then went with "Cinnabun". The first movement and every one since then. :) Those I look forward to the most are seeing him for the first time taking that first breath of air. I look forward to looking into his eyes for the very first time and seeing them looking back! I know that babies only see so far and amazingly that length is from the normal breast feeding position. Another amazing detail from God. I look forward to comparing baby pictures from Dwayne and I and seeing what features McKinley has of both of us. Will he be a good combination of the two of us or will he look more like the other? I look forward to seeing the first grip of McKinley's tiny fingers wrapping around Dwayne's big fingers and pray even now I have a camera ready for that very moment. I am looking forward to so many things. I've laid awake a couple of nights wondering only to fall asleep knowing that God has a plan for McKinley and that whenever he comes, however he comes, God knows where he is going and crafted him to be just that way. *sighs happily* He's almost here.

I wonder if God has those exact same feelings when a new life is coming into the world or a lost sheep coming to Him? Their first breath of Him, the first time they see Him, the first time they grip His hand and let Him lead them down that walk? I think he has even more feeling than a mother for her child. His masterpieces, His creations, His imagination, His child. He planned out every detail of each one of us. He made us each unique. He's been patient with us. He is more forgiving that we could ever be. He loves us just the way we are. I am thankful He crafted me and continues to work on me. I am thankful He is creating in me another masterpiece and I look forward to seeing, holding, touching, kissing and cherishing this masterpiece as He does me.

Pearls of Wisdom??

2009-10-01T17:37:00.006-04:00

I was putting off doing a blog post until Sunday, but decided to go ahead and blog now instead. Why, Sunday? some may ask. Well Sunday is October 4th and would be the 2 month until the due date marker. 2 months!! A part of me is in disbelief and another part of me is so excited and can't wait. I am nesting in my own sort of way. Not in the way I feel the house needs disinfected from top to bottom and so on. I've worked with kids long enough to know that too much disinfecting just breeds super bugs! I'm more the type who wants to paint every wall in my house. Luckily purchasing paint is not in the budget for every room in the house. I have sorted through baby clothes that have been so generously passed down over and over and cannot wait to put them in drawers and hang them on hangers.

I'm wishing I hadn't so absently passed on all of the pregnancy books. I guess it's normal to second guess yourself?? I really just want to get a heads up on a couple things. You know, skip to the back of the book or read the cliff notes. Hmmm...do they make cliff notes for pregnancy books?? I've gotten good advice or tidbits from mom's that I intend to follow through with. My sister-in-law said to always have two diaper bags fully packed and ready to go at all times. Another friend suggested an emergency tote to be placed in both cars full of extras that one doesn't always think of. Extra sippy cups/bottles, diapers, wipes, clothes for both child and parents, well anything one could think of that even when packed in the diaper bag I just might need more of. Now it's your turn to pass on your "Pearls of Wisdom." I look forward to reading them whether they be a polished shiny pearl or a dirty yet to be cleaned or tested pearl.

Slipping Away

2009-09-15T10:59:00.002-04:00

A few weeks ago or my last post was all about having a peace about everything going on. Well, two weeks later and I'm still in that same spot. The peace seems to be slipping away. Looking outside right now and seeing the seasons change makes me realize everything slips away from time to time. Summer is gracefully slipping into Fall. The color of the leaves will not be of one color but will soon slip into an array of majestic beauty across the mountain. My time of pregnancy is slipping away. One little calculator I get weekly stated only 84 days left on Friday. Of course, an older woman at church reminded me it was an approximation. :) Gotta love the wisdom of the older experienced mothers. I have a feeling and have had this feeling since I first found out and estimated the arrival date that he will be born at the end of November and not early December. Only God really knows! My time however is shortening on a daily basis and I am going to enjoy every single movement and discomfort that comes along with carrying a baby. As peace, time and seasons slip away, I am filled with hope. Hope that a new peace will enter in, time will slip away but there is always more of it coming, and the seasons will continue running their cycle. Slipping away isn't a bad thing after all.

God's got it under control!!

2009-09-01T12:57:00.003-04:00

Well last week I posted the video to James Fortune's, "I Trust You." If you didn't watch it, stop right now and scroll down and watch and listen to it. I used to switch channels when that song would come on and watch a country music video but last week was different. I was pulled into the song every time it came on. I listened to that song every day. Come Friday I found out why I had been listening to the song. I returned home from work and a trip to the fair to find an email letting me go from my job. It's a long story, but not unexpected. I was not stressed, I was not worried, I was oddly at peace. This wasn't just any peace this was definitly a peace that passes all understanding. God had prepared me all week for that news. Unfortunately, He hadn't prepared Dwayne for the same news or if He had Dwayne missed it. Ever since last week when I watched that video and especially this week I have been floating if you will on a cloud of peace and calmness. I have been able to do some much needed things around the house and the best part of it all I've been able to bake and cook for my own home!! The weather changed over to Fall like weather which is one of my favorite seasons of the year and we are headed to TN this weekend for some over due time with family! If I could bottle these past few days up, I would and open the lid oh so slightly to get a bit of this peace when peace is the last thing I see on the horizon. I will cherish every minute of this newfound peace and thank God for having things under control. He knows what His plans are for me and I really don't have a clue as to what they might be, but it's ok. He has my best interests at heart. Oh how blessed I am to have a God who loves me so!! Floats away on her cloud of peace!

Touched by the Music

2009-08-26T10:31:00.002-04:00

Every morning I get to watch Joyful Noise Cafe which is christian music videos. This first video stops me from doing whatever and draws me in. I am moved and touched and so many other things by the words of this song. The Holy Spirit just moves through me and fills me with hope. This song should be my daily prayer, no my hourly prayer, no make that my minute by minute prayer. James Fortune and FIYA singing "I Trust You."

Shortly after this song came a song that really hit me. Yesterday I was reading through 1 Corinthians 13. I highly recommend this become a commited to heart scripture which I am attempting to do. These verses speak of God's love and a love we should try and mirror. Sadly our reflection is poor and I hope my reflection clears up in the relationships I have. Today this video came on and well it's just fitting. Kevin Levar singing "A Heart That Forgives."

Just a thought on pregnancy

2009-08-21T09:57:00.003-04:00

Not this past Wednesday but the Wednesday before was the first time I had felt the baby kick or move. I was so excited and wanted to treasure the moment for a bit by myself. When Dwayne went to feel McKinley had stopped, but the other day he kicked good and hard for Dwayne. I love the feeling of a little one growing inside me. This feeling is unexplainable really, one you have to experience and I pray one day you will and if you have remember back when you felt that first kick. I know for me it was and is amazing every time I feel him. Two biblical mother's came to mind in Wednesday night and their first experience with this same thing.

Luke 1:39-45
"At that time Mary got ready and hurried to a town in the hill country of Judea, where she entered Zechariah's home and greeted Elizabeth. When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. In a loud voice she exclaimed: "Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord shall come to me? As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished."

Now this is Elizabeth's baby John who we see leaps for joy and her experience with feeling him first. Think about Mary now and how she felt the first time Jesus kicked inside her. I thought my feeling it was an awe moment. I get email updates each Friday of the development of the baby during whatever week it is. The whole conceiving of a baby is an awe moment. One of those miracles that only God can pull off. No amount of science could convince me that it is all scientific. It is truly a God thing. Only he could come up with the intricate process of conception and development. Each week something new is developed another part of the painting completed by the Master Artist's hand. He knows McKinley more than I will ever know him. His hands are already molding him.

Jeremiah 1:5 " Before I formed you in your mother's womb I knew *chose* you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

God you know my son even now. I pray with a mother's heart that you will instill in him now a love so strong for you that it outweighs the love he will have for me, his father, his future wife and his future children.

Recent Doctors Appointment

2009-08-18T12:06:00.003-04:00

So Friday I had a routine doctor's appointment. I have been having this terrible pain every once in a while that just doubles me over and I can't straighten up until it passes. I guess it's a cramp of sorts. The first time I had it I worried a bit but let it pass. Well I had it a couple times after that and then night before my doctor's visit I had it again. I looked at Dwayne and told him I think it must be the way McKinley's laying or that he throws a hand in the wrong spot at that particular moment. He wanted me to ask the doctor or nurse just in case. So we're at the office and it had actually slipped my mind and Dwayne said uh-huh in the way hubby's do and I was like oh yeah! I told the nurse about the pain and she chuckled. She went into this whole thing about how expectant mothers worry like crazy over every thing and that we suffer pregnancy brain. She assured Dwayne that my mind would eventually come back. She was quite comical in her explaination of things she could help me with and things that well she just couldn't. I chuckled and told her I'd figured he was laying weird or something and she said yep that'd be the cause. I'm forunate that I've never been one to go to worst case scenarios and usually just roll with it. Of course, maybe someday that will kick me in the butt. I am happy to report that the pregnancy is going wonderfully!! So far I continue to lose weight which I get questioned about each visit. Are you throwing up? Are you eating 6 meals a day? And so on. I am not throwing up nor am I eating 6 meals a day. I eat the normal 3 and then snack a bit and by no means are they all healthy meals. My thought is this might just be one big baby boy!! I'm getting excited as a couple of my dear friends plan one of a couple showers we'll have up this way. I had it all planned out in my mind months ago! I'm not one for planning but I got this one. I'm really looking forward to some of the neat tidbits and advice the ladies will have for me and McKinley. Of course, I've not always been one to go with popular demand, beliefs or advice. I tend to march to my own beat and I like it that way! Thank you all for going on this journey with me or shall I say us. I can't wait to welcome this little one or big guy into the world!! We are going out of town after I get off work on September 4th and I keep telling Dwayne it'll be 3 months until the due date when we leave here for TN. I can't believe it!!! Yet I'm so excited that soon I will be kissing toes and rubbing noses. I have photo shoots planned out in my mind and all that jazz. We even talked about our Christmas card this year already!!

Can we skip full days??

2009-08-13T10:21:00.002-04:00

I would like to completely skip and take off the calendar next Monday and Tuesday if at all possible. The past several weeks have been the worst for Monday's and Tuesday's for various reasons. The last Monday actually early Tuesday morning I got a phone call informing me that my dad had had a stroke and was being taken to the hospital. I talked with him finally yesterday and his speech is slurred due to paralysis to the left side of his face. I don't know if this will ever correct itself or if it's permanent. He has use of his left leg or movement there right now. They cannot get him up to walk just yet due to an unstablized blood pressure. His is really high and they are working to get it down to a comfort level. He can move his left hand a bit but cannot grip with his hand yet. He has come a long way already and is improving daily. Please pray for healing and strength for him as well as strength for Julie. Angela and Matt are down there right now with him as well.

A highlight that has gone by the past couple weeks is August 4th marked 4 months until my due date!! Last night we felt the baby kick for the first time!! He was not gentle at all and at first I couldn't figure out what it was. :) I don't think he likes Taco Bell as much as I do. Dwayne had mentioned he was a more laid back baby and his mom said he didn't kick. I prayed to have that experience of feeling him inside me and I got it. Now in a couple weeks I might be rethinking that prayer. ;) Another highlight is we got the crib and portacrib this week thanks to a darling friend of ours!! We have not set it up just yet. I think we'll wait until closer to the due date. It is everything we wanted!! Friends are such a blessing in times like these!! Another set of our friends gave us a brand new matress and clothes we will be inundated with, as two of our closest friends each have two boys. I can't believe how close we are to welcoming this little guy into the world. Time has flown by so fast. We were talking with friends the other night and I mentioned that McKinley might come out a bit in a downer state of mind. The past few weeks have had me on a roller coaster of emotions most being sadness and frustration. We bought this book of Hans Christian Anderson stories that has amazing art in them, but were not prepared for the sad endings some times a bit morbid endings of the stories. I love me some Disney, happily ever after!! They gave us the book, "Guess, how much I love you" which we read that night after getting home.

I really can't wait to hold this little guy, kiss him, read stories with better endings to him, and just all around love him as my parents have loved me. I hope he's a strong gentleman like his Grandpa Dan and his daddy, who roll easily with life not letting the little things get them down. I hope he has the compassion, love and respect for the elderly like his Grandma Flo. I also hope that he has a love for quiet moments away from it all to collect his thoughts and just be, like his Grandma Flo too. I hope he has a bit of spit and fire in him like his Grandma Ruth, and his Aunt Angela! I hope he's even stubborn like his Great Great Grandma Leecy. I hope he has a work ethic and love for cooking like his Great Grandma Baker and Poppop Steve. I hope he has a love for working with wood and watching birds like his Great Grandpa Baker and Great Grandma Georgia. I hope he has a love for the outdoors like his Uncle Dana and Uncle Matt. I hope he is passionate like his Aunt Sherry. I hope he is musically inclined like his Aunt's Mara and Becky. I hope he can find a good deal and know it's that like his Uncle Randy. I hope he has an eye for photography like his Uncle Pete. I hope he has a love for dogs like his Grandma Julie. I hope he see's the good in people and doesn't look straight for the bad. Most of all I hope in all of these people he will see God.

Memories and Lessons

2009-08-07T10:31:00.003-04:00

Where do I start? All week I've thought of doing a tribute to our little Lilybet who passed Tuesday morning. She was truly my little girl, from the day we brought her home until the night before she left us. It hurts and I don't want to believe it at times. I guess I'm in the denial stage of grief. With God's help I'm working through those emotions. We were blessed with almost 2 wonderful years with her and I will rejoice in those memories, but I will still miss her. Dwayne posted a great tribute to her on his blog. The nights are the hardest indeed because we really cuddled and bonded then. She knew before we did that I was expecting, changing sleeping between my legs on the sofa to curling up on my tummy. So very precious, a little mommy. She didn't suffer and went quickly, for that I am greatful. I will miss you babygirl, Lilyb. I know you're kissing Ruth like crazy and curling up on her lap and even playing with Guilo.

Now on to something that struck me on Wednesday night at church during our young adult study. Our teacher, Pete, was talking about a message he heard on the radio about Jesus borrowing. I had never thought about this. Jesus borrowed everything and used it for the time needed and gave it back. He borrowed an unwed mother's womb. He borrowed the manger. He rode a borrowed ass, ate in a borrowed room. He was even barried in a borrowed tomb, after all He didn't need it very long. He borrowed these things because this wasn't His home, among other reasons. After the past few weeks and years of loss we've had I find great peace in knowing this world, this earth, this time is not all there is for me. I am here to suffer only a little while and then I will rejoin my family and friends who are so fortunate to have gotten to Heaven before me. I'm here on borrowed time, every breath is borrowed and every breath is a gift from God. Which leads me to a sermon our pastor preaches. A couple Sunday's ago, he touched on it briefly but it is still so powerful. One of the words for Jesus is Yhwh, most of us say yahweh but that is not it. Yhwh, there are no a's or e's. Well how, you might ask, is it said? Inhale, yh. exhale wh. Every breath you take is God's name. Every sigh whether happy or irriating is God's name. Each and every breath. The sermon of course is much more powerful then my short notes on it, but there is power even in them. Sometime I will ask for the mp3 version of the sermon and post it here.

Emotionally Charged

2009-07-30T09:10:00.002-04:00

No matter how many pregnant women I've been around *too many to count* or videos I've seen nothing fully prepared me for pregnancy. Yes there are instincts that naturally kick in and one knows what this or that means. But nothing, I say, nothing prepared me for the emotional side. If you know me well, you know I'm not a real emotional person and usually just let things slide right off. I'm alot like my dad in that sense. I don't let little things bother me or become big things. One it's not worth the time and worry and two it's not worth the energy. I love the saying, "Take an exlax and let that crap go." It's not worth holding on to and if you hold on to it too long you start to stink yourself. Anyhow that is the kind of person I usually am but lately I've been an emotionally charged mess. The tears flow without thought. Once they get started it's harder to stop them. Things I can usually overlook seem to be magnified at full power. I am annoyed so easily which makes for being uncomfortable in my surroundings most of the time. Things I can normally control are spinning out of control.
Actually, I don't feel we have control over anything and when we claim we do that's when God reminds us who has the real control. I can make all the plans I want and then God laughs and shows me or directs me in a new direction. I'm finding this very frustrating!! There have been some events in the last week or so that have flipped me upside down. One I didn't see coming at all that blew up into something that before it never would have gone to. Emotions were high on both sides. The other I should have anticipated and part of me did but it still didn't prepare me for my reaction to the matter.

I find myself apologizing to McKinley for getting so worked up over these things. He's got to think his mom is a crackpot by now! It's not good for him to go on these extreme roller-coaster rides with me, it's not good for me to be on them either. My concern is more for him than anything. I'm a firm believer that the baby feels what I do. I wish I could change this little part and work through those emotions better, but I just haven't found a way to do that yet.

So a warning to those around me, watch out I'm not holding anything back. Some things I may mean and others are just emotions speaking. I don't like to create ripples in calm but am not going to pretend I haven't done it and won't do it.

Deep, Meditative Thoughts

2009-07-24T09:29:00.002-04:00

Lately, my mind has been blank and shallow so to speak. I can't focus for any amount of time it seems and have been walking around aimlessly. I have contributed this to the pregnancy. I can't say I wasn't enjoying walking around in oblivion as a friend stated earlier this week, but today is different for some reason.

Today, I read a status on facebook this morning about being lost and needing a map to anywhere. I'm not sure where my response came from but it has me thinking.

Here's my response:
you already have the only map needed by anyone. Open your Bible and look inside. Worldly maps can lead you in the wrong direction no matter how good the intent was in giving it to you.

I think this is more for me than the person I posted it too. I don't open my bible near enough. I lack discipline in that area of my life. The thing I need the most on a daily basis and I neglect it. There is so much going on in my life right now and I use that as an excuse when I should be doing the opposite and digging deeper into the Word.

Another posting I responded to was posted back in June and for some reason popped up on my sidebar today. The post was about mirrors and the ups and downs of life. My reply was another reply God gave me.

Life is a rollercoaster of emotions, highs and lows, carnival mirrors and reflective mirrors. I prefer to stand in front of the carnival mirror and laugh myself silly. A reflective mirror scares the crap out of me because it forces me to see inside myself or *the outside of myself*. There is only one other reflection I look upon and that is the one in which God see's me. I get stuck there sometimes wondering how He can see me the way He does, and the simple answer to that is unconditional love.

I am sitting here amazed at what God see's. A song comes to mind Nichole Nordeman's~Anyway. I think today I'm going through a restoration!

My Favorite Photo

2009-07-19T19:13:00.006-04:00

Thursday I paced back and forth waiting for mom and Dwayne to arrive. Mom relieves me from work which is such a blessing and Dwayne attends the appointments with me, another blessing. When they arrived I was out the door and to the car almost before mom got in the door.
We got there and waited a little bit in the waiting room then headed back. We went through the rigmarole of the first part of the visit. Weight, blood pressure, and urine sample. I drink lots of water before all of these to avoid drinking their lukewarm pond water, so I had to go!! Anyway I returned to the room which has 5 or so pictures in it that I love. They are naked babies being held in different positions by their daddies hands. They are all black and white except one which is sepia. That's all you see is daddies hands and the baby. I keep telling Dwayne we are having those photo's taken of him and the baby. Anyway after a sort of lengthy wait we were escorted to the ultrasound room. We've been in them before as our little one has had several pictures taken since being 6 weeks and 4 days old. How awesome is that? They can tell how old the baby is by it's size to the day. Anyway the ultrasound technician came in and she's really nice!! She wanted to know if we would like to know what we are having and without hesitation we said yes!! She instructed Dwayne to turn the lights out which is the job as the dad. :) They have a tv monitor that displays what she is seeing. She talked us through the different photos and told us what we were looking at. I'm thinking this is fascinating and very amazing but what are we having. Finally at the end of all the photo's of the head, blood flow *awesome to see*, two feet, two hands and all the other wonderful bones and parts to our baby; she asks again, "do you want to know the sex?" We both say, YES. I could pee again now, I'm so excited. She pulled up another photo and there she typed the words BOY, below his glory. I am in awe and amazed. We are going to have a son and a gentleman! The ultrasound tech handed us two pictures one of the babies face/head and then the one with the word BOY typed on it. Both of those pictures were great but I found myself really wanting another picture I had seen her take. Little did I know she was printing it.

My little boys FOOT!!!!! I have a fascination with baby feet and she got a great picture. I have tweaked it a little but it's by far my most favorite photo to date!!

We will have more photos taken in October but for now I cherish the ones that I have especially this one. Soon I will hold him and kiss two little feet, toes, cheeks and hands. I can't wait, but then I can because he has a ways to grow firsts. I so look forward to sharing many photos with you all!!

I'm sooooo excited!!! no that's not the right wording

2009-07-15T09:02:00.005-04:00

Tomorrow marks a big milestone, no that's just not the word for it. Tomorrow is a big day! no that's not it either. Both statements are right but it just doesn't do justice to what I want to convey.

Tomorrow we find out wether we are having a boy or girl, a son or daughter.
I wait with great anticipation, joy overflowing and butterflies fluttering.
We don't just find out if we are having a son or daughter tomorrow. We find out if we will be buying more pink or more blue. We find out if we will be raising a gentleman or a lady. We find out if earrings are at infancy for her or later in life when he can make that decision. We find out what family members name the child will carry. We find out if there will be ponytail holders or sweaty socks to pick up. We find out if it's boyfriends or girlfriends that we will have to ward off. Tomorrow, we find out so many things not just whether it's a boy or a girl.
Tomorrow we find out if we will carry home, McKinley David or Naomi Ruth on December
4th, give or take a few.

Most people think we are having a boy which we would be delighted with, but my feeling is a girl. Maybe it's because I remember Ruth sitting in her chair with a devilish little laugh saying, "I see red headed little granddaughters." Or maybe it's because I tend to go against the crowd. Either way tomorrow we find out and my heart almost can't take the wait. A quote I found today and posted to the side but who really pays attention to peoples sidebars?

"Every child born into the world is a new thought of God, an ever-fresh and radiant possibility."~Kate Douglas Wiggin

Now, a word to little Cinnabun. Mommy can't take waiting to find out who you will be so please cooperate with the doctor tomorrow and show us your glory. ;) Here is one of mommies many prayers for you!

Browsing Around

2009-07-07T11:41:00.003-04:00

Today I was browsing around looking for something to add to my blog to track the baby. It's fun for Dwayne and I to do it and I thought hey it just might be fun for the blog readers too. Well I found a baby cam of sorts and entered my information. You can see it up in the right hand corner of the blog. I think one of the coolest features is when you click the heart at the bottom of it. The other cool option is clicking on the what's up button to the left of the cam, it tells everything that is going on with the little one. Oh click the happy face, see and hear what happens. Too cute!!

I'm looking forward to the 16th when we hopefully find out if we are having a boy or girl!! Most think it's a boy and then ask me what my gut feeling is and I have to be honest I don't have one yet. I want a girl, but then I'd want her to have an older brother. I will be happy either way!!

Cute Find

2009-07-03T18:10:00.005-04:00

Last night we headed up to Hagerstown, Md to the outlets to get Dwayne some new shorts and a couple shirts. Well of course we couldn't pass up on going into Carter's. I am proud to say we walked out of Carter's with absolutely nothing! This is a big for us since Dwayne loves to shop in there. Last time we were in buying something for a nephew, I had to tell him no more! We won't know whether the baby is a boy or girl until July 16th and that is if the baby cooperates. Anyway back to our cute find. We stopped at a book outlet and as we walked in I said, we should get some books for you to read to the baby depending on the price. Well, sitting on the center display were leftover Father's Day books and this one stood right out.

Yes, we did buy it along with two other books. One is called: The Family Faith Treasury.

Finally we picked up, "The Classic Treasury of Hans Christian Andersen." Now the artwork in this particular book drew me to it.

The best part about all three books is they were only $3.99 each. This book shop had all types of books and cheap too. Dwayne picked up the complete set of "The Chronicles of Narnia" books and audio cds for $29.99 originally priced at $99.99! If you're looking for bargain books check out the book basement or something along that lines. It's just down the way from Carter's.

More Ramblings

2009-06-25T20:10:00.002-04:00

Last week a friend who just found out she's pregnant asked if I was emotional. She was stating how emotional she is at 2 months. I am not usually an emotional person so I haven't been real emotional. That was of course until this week. Today I was listening to a christian radio station and was tearing up with just about every song. The power in the lyrics of the songs I was hearing just blew me away. They weren't new songs. The first song was Held by Natalie Grant. I think this song really got to me because for the past couple weeks I have Ruth on my mind. I miss her so very much. I see her near me waddling or sitting next to me at church clapping off rhythm. I have a small bottle of her perfume in my jewelry box and inhale deeply. I've decided that I will let myself cry whenever I feel the need to do so and not hold it back.

I also think today came on because of our bible study last night. We are studying James and are now into chapter 4. James 4:9-10 had us all thinking last night and really digesting what was being said.

James 4:9-10 "Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." I was asked if I'd ever been brought to my knees, crying out to God? I have and it was so powerful, so exhausting and so very needed.

Those verses have been running through my mind for most of the day. Then on my way home from a play date the song Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle came on the radio and the lyrics to the whole song fits these verses. I believe the chorus fits really well but I'm going to post the whole song as it's just so powerful. What do those verses mean to you?

Sweetly Broken Video

On Top of Things or just Over Zealous

2009-06-22T09:43:00.002-04:00

So the baby thing has hit full blown with decisions on baby bedding, cribs and so on. I guess when I hit 16/17 weeks I realized that there's only 5 months left. At the rate these months have been going I'd better kick it in the butt. I'd rather be over prepared than under prepared I guess. A dear friend has blessed us with a free crib that is exactly what we are looking for. Dwayne and I found a bedding set we just love that works for both boy or girl. I went ahead and registered for it. Might as well get a head start on everything. I called a pediatrician today and she said just let them know at the hospital when the baby is born that we want their office and the doctor on call will come by and check on the baby. I found that almost too easy! I had time the other day and did a spread sheet of comparison shopping of certain big items. Wal-mart came out as the best buy's on most stuff. Should've known, right! I have a fascination with baby feet and hands. At the doctor's office I saw pictures where the dad or grandpa was holding the baby with a black background. All you see is their hands around the baby in different ways and I was like I want pictures of Dwayne and the baby like that.

I'm excited! I'm in awe! I'm loving every minute of this experience!

Gotta love those fleeting moments!

2009-06-15T08:43:00.003-04:00

So my last blog was all about questions and feeling overwhelmed, well not this one. Actually shortly after I posted the questions were gone and I was moving on. Friday I sat down to rearrange my cedar chest because the lid wouldn't quite close. I pulled everything out and began. I received a couple bags of little baby boy clothes from our friends many of the items we had gifted her boys. *Please don't rush off and start filling bags of clothes for me, we have limited space.* Anyhow, I decided to arrange them by size and had a fun time going through them. Dwayne came back from picking up dinner and said oh that would work for a girl and so would that. He LOVES clothes especially kids clothes. He's definitely the shopper of the family, which I love!! My Aunt Peggy was up last week and gave us our first official gift. She was working on a blanket before she left but didn't have time to finish it and is afraid she won't get it finished. I love the things she makes I still have a pillow she made me when I was a kid!! Anyhow, she gave us this oh so very soft blanket *I want it for myself, I'm a total blanket person. The softer the better!* and these adorable hooded towels. I was putting them in the cedar chest and it hit me. I'm going to have a baby and these items are for that baby!! The clothes are there and Dwayne and I had bought a couple outfits on sale that we just had to have for our someday baby, but it wasn't the same. I now have gifts for a baby that is...coming in December!! Well my gut says that "Cinnabun" will be here sometime at the end of November but just never know.

My cousin Mary Jo brought me a picture frame this week that says, "Loved from the start." So very appropriate. I was thinking about that this morning and realized that I could put a picture of myself or anyone for that matter in that frame. We are all loved from the very start by a loving, caring, compassionate, and strong God!! A thought I will carry with me all through this time.

Now to pull out some kids books and bible stories so dad-to-be can begin reading to Cinnabun! I'm going to love that! Let's get in routine now. ;)

Don't forget to weigh on the poll question to the right of the blog!!!

A bit overwhelmed

2009-06-11T11:50:00.002-04:00

Ok so I've made it through the first trimester. The nausea has subsided. Now the other stuff begins.

Where do I put the crib, toys, clothes, changing table, all the stuff that comes with a baby?? When do I contact the pediatrician? When do I take baby classes? How much maternity leave do I take? How much can I afford to take? When do I register at the hospital? Why does this trimester have to be so emotional? Do I go camping with friends in the heat of summer when it does not sound appealing at all? Is it ok to use the pregnancy to bow out? Do I really want people to answer these questions?

I have all these helpful books that have been recommended that I have no real interest in reading. I know they probably have great information and tips but my attention span is not there.

I've had people say, you've worked with kids so long this should be a walk in the park. The difference is, I've never been pregnant and had to answer these questions. I get them later!

Popcorn Ramblingz from a Pregnant Woman's Mind

2009-05-08T12:10:00.004-04:00

I just haven't been in the blog world lately. I went to check my google reader and there were so many blogs that I have missed. I'm not quite sure why. I used to check everyday, but I'm afraid it's been replaced with other things. Much like my poetry did. I used to write like crazy when I went through this deep dark time of my life but when I reconnected with God and life got a whole lot brighter I stopped.

These days I find myself sleeping alot or wishing I was. And doing what I can to ward of the nausea that lurks throughout the day. People have asked if I've picked out bed room sets and so on and so forth. I've looked but not in depth. I spent more time on baby websites and reading books before I got pregnant. I find the only thing I tend to want to read about is what's going on with the baby each week. A friend has gotten me a pregnancy journal I'm looking forward too. I have a small journal and I started writing things in it when we first found out but that lasted 2 days. I've never been able to keep up with journals. Maybe this time!

There's a few cds that this little one should know by heart and sing as soon as he/she comes out of the womb. The first is Plumb's "Blink" cd and the second is Natalie Grant's "Relentless" cd. I also listen to classical music as well, just something I've always enjoyed.

If dad has his way "Cinnabun" will be decked out in Yankee and Cowboy gear, which I don't mind so much! :) I have to admit there is some cute stuff out there. We're refraining as much as possible from buying alot of clothes just yet. We know what crib we want and possibly what bedding. Maybe one weekend, we'll sit down and decide where the crib will go and if we want to paint. Of course, I'd like to paint the entire inside of the house. I think we really need to do a big Spring cleaning and get rid of some stuff, maybe a yard sale is in our future.

I have a bag full of material that was my Grandpa's, Grandma's and I think even some that was my mom's that I'd love to quilt into a few blankets. Of course, I would have to know something about quilting before doing that wouldn't I??

So I'm jumping from subject to subject and if you're still reading this I should send you some sort of prize. A virtual *hug* will have to do! :)

On to the subject of food. A pregnant woman's favorite subject right. I didn't realize nor do the people in my house *bless them all* that cravings are very short lived. There was a point in time when I craved sugary cereal, there is still a half eaten box of Cocoa Pebbles on the top of the fridge. I mentioned wanting some reese's pieces as I had some leftover from Easter. I came home and bless them all they had gotten me 2 pounds of them. Sadly each bag went to someone's house for get togethers and I did not eat a one. Veggies were a very short lived phase. I still do not do chocolate very well. I find I don't even want it. I'm burnt on on Ginger Ale.
My daily eating routine as of late is a big glass of milk at 5:30a.m., a bowl of cereal or some toast around 9:30a.m., a pb&j on wheat with baked dorito's at noonish, some saltines and yogurt to snack in the afternoons, then whatever is for dinner at night. Twice the guys have gone out and picked up something I have wanted in the evening. Like a banana blizzard with extra bananas or a king cone ice cream thing. When I'm hungry tho, I'm hungry and have to eat then or the nausea sets in.

We've gotten two pictures of the little one so far. One very early pick at 6 weeks and 4 days and then another just yesterday at 9 weeks 5 days. I am amazed at the difference in size. This last picture was really neat as the little one was moving around and you could see all that has developed. I love each week finding out what new has gone on with "Cinnabun" especially the size. We are now at the size of a grape or 1 inch although that will change in tomorrow's email and I will get a new size and development update. At first Dwayne said he felt Cinnabun is a boy but more recently he has said a girl. Either way he is going to be a fantastic dad!!

Oh and Dwayne asked what I want for Mother's Day. *May God bless all of you mother's greatly this mother's day!!* I said, I want a really good hair cut by Becky's hair stylist, not just a gift card but an appointment booked too. My husband is so good!!! He made me an appointment for Saturday the 16th at 8a.m. He's driving I'm sleeping and that is that. :)

Oh and one really cute thing. Our littlest dog, Lilybet used to curl up at my feet in the recliner, but since I've gotten pregnant she curls right up on my stomach. She's going to be a protective one I think. At least until the baby starts moving around. hehe!

Best and Worst?

2009-04-21T07:14:00.001-04:00

Ok so I want to know:

1. What was the best advice given to you during pregnancy?

2. What was the worst advice given to you during pregnancy?

3. What was the best name suggestion?

4. What was the worst name suggestion?

And any other best and worst's you can think of.

It's Official

2009-04-18T18:47:00.002-04:00

Well most of you know, but maybe not all of you know. On Easter morning I took a home pregnancy test. I didn't find it to be as specific as I like so I bought another and it came back positive!! I gave blood Monday, which confirmed then too that I am pregant. Wednesday we went in for a sonogram or ultrasound whichever and saw the heartbeat of our little one. We are calling him or her "CinnaBun" as our nicknames for each other are Muffin and Buttah (butter). Today I am 7 weeks along and due on Dec. 4th. We have told lots of people and many more I'm sure. I have answered the question, "how are you feeling?" so many times I can't count. I am tired and nauseous for the most part. Chocolate makes me queazy. I crave oranges and other fruity things.

After all these months of trying, disappointments. anger and hopelessness. God has given me the gift of a child. I find myself feeling guilty and unworthy of this gift and yet blessed and thankful for the gift as well. Another example of how God loves me no matter what.

Finding my way, back to Him....again

2009-04-03T13:14:00.000-04:00

I hear this song countless times a day and it hits me everytime. Right now I have the overwhelming feeling to be flat on my stomach with outstretched arms seeking Him. He is the only one who can carry me through this, He carries me through each second, each breath, He catches each tear. He knows my pain more than I know it. He weeps with me. He is constantly working to put one piece of me together at a time. I ask myself why? Why does He continue to love, forgive, and hold me? I have to break anymore to call on Him. It's not something I'm at all proud of. He does this because He loves me and my shatteredness. He knows that He can heal my brokenness. He knows what I need. I know that I need Him. I need Him in every breath, in every relationship, in ever minute/hour/day.

Thank you for your encouragement, your friendship and your love throughout this. God has blessed me with so many people who care. People who know me and those who know me through my blogs only. I am amazed at His gentle reminders *that I often miss* of Him in all things.

Here is the official video for this song. It gives it so much more meaning. I highly recommend you check it out!

http://www.tangle.com/view_video.php?viewkey=c377c388df7477a84ec4

I Miss Her

2009-03-28T23:05:00.004-04:00

A year ago tomorrow, March 29th, my dear sweet Ruth passed away. I miss her so very much. I cannot believe she has been gone for a year now. It seems like yesterday when we were joking and playing cards and bingo with her at the nursing home. I miss her laughter and jokes. I miss her opinions, even the ones I didn't agree with. I miss watching crime shows and hearing her say, "ohhh...why do they have to show that" while turning her head. I miss helping her put her shoes and socks on. I miss her cooking. I miss her falling asleep during a show and waking up to rewind it back to the spot she lasts remembered seeing. She repeated that on the same show several times. hehe! I miss hearing her up and about at all hours of the night doing her Bible study or praying. She was such an inspiration in that area. I miss slowly walking into places with her at my side doing her little waddle. I miss watching her drive that little scooter and just hoping she didn't run over anyone or thing. I miss her and the stories she would tell and the laughter she brought out of people. I want to wrap her in a hug and just talk with her again. I have in my jewelry box a small bottle of the perfume she wore and often take it out and smell it just to remember. I still can't get through "Amazing Grace, My Chains Are Gone" by Chris Tomlin at church without tearing up. We sang it around her bed that night as she passed on to be wrapped in her Makers arms. She was my Naomi, my mother-in-law and my friend. I am so blessed that God brought her into my life or me into hers. She blessed me, inspired me and gave me the most wonderful give ever. She raised her son to be the man of my dreams! I love you Ruth and I miss you so very much!

We are home.

2009-03-24T09:12:00.002-04:00

We got back from our trip yesterday. I'm back to work today and loving it. I really missed the girls! It's wonderful to have a job where you get loved and hugged on all day!! :)

I had a great time in Oklahoma catching up with family and just feeling all that love there. We got a van by chance from the rental agency so I was able to bring back my cedar chest full of things from my childhood and I got a very special surprise from my dad! He gave me a violin that has been passed down for 6 generations I believe now maybe 7. The date on it is 1716. I have been wanting it and was surprised he gave it to me. I am hoping to have it restored and learn to play. I also was given a pressure cooker by my sister and brother-in-law. I can't wait to try it out and do some canning this summer!!!

The best gift was definitely the time I got to spend with precious family and friends. That is something that cannot be restored or replaced. It's priceless and treasured. Memories I made this visit will carry on for many lifetimes.

Oklahoma!

2009-03-15T20:12:00.003-04:00

We made it as most of you know and have seen friends and family and still have many more to see. Today we went to Johnathon's birthday *for those of you who don't know, he's my nephew.* We celebrated by bowling and eating some really good cake!! We saw him play a couple basketball games on Friday and Saturday and he's pretty good!! Justin *my other nephew* is such a loving little guy and so darn adorabable. We have played Wii and PS2 together and just hung out. They both have so very much energy!! On Saturday afternoon we saw both my Grandma Baker and my Great Grandma which is always a joy!! Great Grandma is as spunky as ever!!

We have plans all throughout the week that mostly involve eating! As Jesus did often throughout the New Testament!

We are getting lots of rest too which is always a plus. Thank you all for your prayers for a safe trip and continued prayers.

Hopefully I will post some pictures after I start taking them. I keep forgetting to take the camera in with me.

Belles-Lettres An Original

2009-02-28T15:20:00.002-05:00

Today I was cleaning our bedroom and came across a notebook with this writing in it.

Without Him would I exist? That is the question from your lips. The answer to me comes simply!
NO, I would not exist. You gasp, as if, surprised, but still your curious. So you dig deeper a nd ask how it is I believe this? You patiently await my reply. I look you straight in the eyes and say, that is just it I choose to believe. I believe God created me. Maybe he created me in a whisper, that would explain my shy and quiet nature. Maybe he created me with a wave of his hand, like a conductor leading a band. That might explain the creativity I have. I think he began a painting, choosing the color of my skin, hair and eyes. He painted the length of my fingers and toes. He even chose my shape. He didn't forget my dimples and freckles. He also remembered to paint my heart. A heart that is tender and compassionate. A heart that beats just so. And a heart that loves and hurts like yours. He didn't forget a single detail. He painted me with precision and knowledge. He painted me in beauty. He created me with love. With every stroke of his brush he painted in characteristics that make up who I am. My breath is His breath. My eyes are his eyes. My body is His body. My voice is His voice. But most importantly my heart is His heart. I was made by my master's hand. Not evolved from an ape. May I never let Him down and when I do. I will rest in knowing He is a God of forgiveness. He will take up His brush again and wipe away my blemishes. May He smile down on me and think I did well by this child. That is why I believe God created me. There is a book I like to read where you can find all of this. The book is called the Bible and the first line reads.."In the beginning God created..."

Raw

2009-02-20T23:07:00.001-05:00

Ever since last Saturday I've been in a down hill spiral. Is there such a thing? Does one ever go in an up hill spiral? Last Saturday we were enjoying a wonderful afternoon together, just Dwayne and I. We went up to Frederick to do some shopping and just hang out together. We stopped at a stop light and I looked over and in the minivan next to us a little baby was peeking over the bottom of the window in our direction. My first thought was awwww...how cute! But then this sinking feeling hit and tears threatened. All I could think is I want one. I stared at that baby well through the light and longed to be holding one, embracing one. I held it together not wanting to ruin the afternoon. As this week went on it didn't get any better. I fell on Wednesday, twisting my ankle and then caught a stomach bug. On top of that another month is going by and confirmation again that we are not pregnant. I have hope, I truly do. But with each month something feels as if it is ripped out of me. I hold it together or in as long as I can and then comes the day I break. Today was that day. Every little thing set me off. If I could paint a picture of my emotional state today it would look something like this.

The Scream by Edvard Munch.
The red streaks at the top of this painting remind me of the anger and rage I am feeling.
Can you feel it?
The darkness of the painting is where I find myself lurking all too often as of late.
What do you see in the darkness?
The pools of water are the tears that flood from the depths of my heart.
Will they escape those depths?
The scream pierces through my heart and longs to release, but never does.
Can you hear it?
My hands, however, are clinched tightly in fists either raised in the air or pressed to sides.
Are you on your guard?
Friends and others I keep at a distance as this painting shows.
How far away have I pushed you?

There is hope tho, for there is light in the painting that I seek through all of this.
In the pain, In the anger, In the confusion,
In the loneliness, In the self-pity, In the struggles
There is Light!

I Believe In Love

2009-02-20T18:12:00.002-05:00

I Believe In Love by Barlow Girls

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Belles-Lettres

2009-02-14T09:04:00.001-05:00

A poem on love by Emily Dickinson

THAT I did always love,
I bring thee proof:
That till I loved
I did not love enough.

That I shall love always,
I offer thee
That love is life,
And life hath immortality.

This, dost thou doubt, sweet?
Then have I
Nothing to show
But Calvary.

Goosebumps from a Sunday Morning Pew

2009-02-09T10:16:00.002-05:00

Two blog post today!!

Yesterday, I got goosebumps and well I still get them when I think about this.
I grew up in a Southern Baptist Church with a hymnal in my hands at worship time. We never dreamed of lifting our hands in praise, prayer or worship. When we went to large gatherings of youth I would see kids raising their hands and I would find that strange. No one ever explained to me that that was a form of worship. I now go to a somewhat Southern Baptist church but we sing contemporary songs and oh the power I feel when offering my hands up to the Lord in worship and prayer. I'm not saying you can't be moved by a hymn, because you definitely can!

Yesterday our pastor read this verse to us. Hebrews 2:12 "He says,"I will declare your name to my brothers;in the presence of the congregation I will sing your praises." This is Jesus talking!!

Now wherever two or more are gathered in his name, Jesus is there too. When you are in your church on Sunday mornings worshipping God, Jesus is right there with you. I lift my hands in praise or prayer to God when a song moves me to do so, imagine how sJesus' worships his father.

Goosebumps!!!

I had never thought of it in that sense. Yes, I've always known where two or more are gathered in His name, He is there also, but the worship side of it. I just never pictured it until yesterday. Powerful!! Stop and worship Him where ever you are, no matter what time of day!

The Shepherd

2009-02-09T09:20:00.002-05:00

1 Peter 2:25 "For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls."

Yesterday, our pastor was talking about our Shepherd. Unfortunately he didn't get to finish his whole sermon and I hope he continues it next week but I took something from it that even now is touching me.

He explained that when a little lamb would wonder off over and over that the shepherd would break its legs, resest them, and carry the lamb over his shoulders. When the lambs legs healed and the shepherd placed it on the ground the lamb would stay close to the shepherd.

God does that to us and has done that alot to me lately. Although it seems I haven't learned my lesson and keep getten broken to find myself carried by Him. We sang the song below yesterday and well it's the perfect song for that analogy. I am so thankful I have a God that cares enough to keep pulling me back and not giving up on me!

Cafe Chat Feb 7th

2009-02-07T08:59:00.002-05:00

I frequent a devotional site and each Saturday they post a question. I haven't answered one in a while but today's just struck me. The back ground of the woman, Helen, in the question is she was a missionary to the Congo in 1964 where she was beaten, humiliated and raped by a truckload of brutal soldiers. If you'd like more background to this story then pop on over to Internet Cafe Devotions and read her whole paraphrase. But here is the question and a direct quote.

“There was no bitterness within her, though Helen had experienced terrible, mindless evil. It would have been so easy to demand of God why He allowed these atrocities, when she had been so faithful to His service. But in her heart of hearts, she felt that God’s question would be, “Can you thank Me for trusting you with this experience, even if I never tell you why?”

That question stopped me in my tracks, and for today’s Chat I would like to hear your thoughts about this question...Of course this is the question that Helen felt like God was asking her, but I think it is a good question for all of us to ponder.

So the question is "Can you thank Me for trusting you with this experience, even if I never tell you why?" I am thinking this question through and finding it rather hard to answer. I am putting it to this whole fertility thing going on with me or lack of it seems. Can I thank God for trusting me with this?? Honestly, right now, no. It gets harder and harder everyday. The emotional toll takes so much out of me that it's hard to even find glimmers of happiness that I can enjoy. There are moments tho that still take my breath away and bring joy to my heart!! Friends are well meaning but most haven't been where I am or understand it. I still love them tho!! Walking through the baby clothes section gets to me or seeing newborns. I won't hesitate to oogle over a baby all the while running through my head is, I want one! The doctors visits that can only happen a particular time of month that get canceled and I have to wait through another month with no answers, a little more of my hope fleets away.

The oldest girl I watch this week was talking about kids and her views on only children. I looked at her and said I want two children but I would settle for just one.

I wish God didn't have this kind of trust in me. And I pray for answers daily. I never thought of the end of that question; "even if I never tell you why?" I want to know and there is a chance I might not know and that is going to be hard to handle. Can I handle it and thank God for trusting me through this?? I hope I can, that's as honest as I can be right now. I hope!!

Taj Majal

2009-02-01T15:19:00.003-05:00

Today after church we decided to go out to lunch just Dwayne and I. We had decided to go downtown but the place we wanted to go was closed. Dwayne chose to try a new Indian restaurant and I was iffy because I was already nauseous due to not eating breakfast. Indian restaurants I've been to in the past have over powered my senses with the smell of curry and I couldn't really enjoy what I was eating.

Well today we went to a new restaurant called the "Taj Majal." The decor is very soft and it's quite a peaceful atmosphere. The place seats maybe 56-60 so it's not a crowded place. Anyway, I never know what to order because I don't do spicy food and well some Indian food is just that. I ordered buttered chicken and it was sooo delicious!! It was an orange sauce that had a sweetness to it that I can't really describe. The rice was cooked perfectly and mmmm....it was delicious!! We also ordered Naan which is an indian bread they cook in a clay oven. We ordered two types garlic and paneer *I think that is the name.* I will be going to the restaurant again in the near future. The wait staff was excellent too!! Ok, so if you're from this area I highly recommend you give it a try. The "Taj Majal" is located behind the new DMV.

Picture Tag

2009-01-28T09:18:00.010-05:00

Go to the place where you store all of your pictures on your computer and open up the 4th folder. Open the 4th picture. Post the picture and give an explanation. Tag 4 people!

I only had one picture in my 4th folder and here it is:

This picture is of Dwayne's finger. I think he burnt his finger and he has this thing with taking photos of his injuries. See below picture of a head wound.

And here's one of his near death experience. He has a shellfish allergy and this reaction landed him in the ER.

So, I decided to go to the 5th album and use the 5th picture, instead!!

This picture was taken as we were getting ready for the Tim McGraw and Faith Hill concert. We went with a group of friends and it was awesome!!! Here are two more photos from this album from that concert!

Looks like we were close, huh? My camera is little but oh it zooms good.

Now I'm not going to tag anyone but comment if you decided to play along!

Lampstands

2009-01-15T08:19:00.002-05:00

We are studying Revelation in our Ragamuffin group at church and I'm finding it quite fascinating and we are only in the first chapter. One of the last verses has given me a visual that I thought I'd share.

Revelation 1:20 "The mystery of the seven stars that you saw in my right hand and of the seven golden lampstands is this: The seven stars are the angels of the seven churches, and the seven lampstands are the seven churches."

The lampstands are the churches. We are the churches. We attend the churches..

What is the use of a lampstand??? A lampstand is something in which a lamp or source of light sits upon. We are that. I am a lampstand and God is my source of light. That makes me a lampstand in use .

Imagine walking into a room and seeing a lampstand with no lamp. What does it look like? A piece of wood sitting unused in the corner collecting dust. It really serves no use except to collect dust or other items. A catch all as I like to call our kitchen table.

Now how bright do I let that light shine? Do I hit the dimmer switch when I'm uncomfortable or afraid of what people might think? Do I turn the light up when surrounded by others I know who are lampstands in use?? Do I let my light shine equally for all to see? Do I use my light to bless others and help light their lights too??

I believe there are even times when I turn my light off and sulk in darkness. The lamp never moves, it's always there; but what I do with it makes all the difference. I have a light that will never burn out, the most energy sufficient light ever!!

I have pockets!!

2009-01-04T13:22:00.003-05:00

Weird title I know, but I'm so excited. I bought a couple pair of pants yesterday from Gabriel Brothers. GB is a retail store that gets the slightly defected, overstock from designers and they sell them for cheap. Well standing in the church office this morning I go to put my hands in my pockets and find they are fake pockets. I had one pocket I could fit four fingers in on the right side but the other two were fake. Well we went to a market down the road from church and low and behold I realize I can fit my finger through a whole of the fake ones and I felt the lining of a pocket. While we were there I worked the thread inside the pockets until it was off. Now I have pockets!!! Ok so that was a totally pointless post but I'm excited about it and thought I'd share in my excitement!! HEHEHE!! Eccentric Ramblingz is the title of this blog after all.

If you'd like to read something with a bit more meaning you'll have to pop over to My Other Blog.

Oh and this little market at the end of Mission Rd is great. I met a woman who does amazing bead work, another lady makes these awesome scones, a man sells WVU gear, the Black Dog Coffee guy has a booth and another sells all kinds of baked goods and jellies. It's worth a stop in sometime. They might start holding it open until 2p.m.

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T23:25:00.002-05:00

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
And here's a hand, my trusty friend
And gie's a hand o' thine
We'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne

May you find yourself sitting at the feet of God anxiously awaiting the grace, compassion, love and forgiveness He so freely gives. May you find the Truth that He is and yearn to grow closer to Him. May others see Him in you, in your actions, in your speech, in your relationships. May you find the friend, confidant, teacher, lover and guider that I have found in Him. May this be a year that you offer your hand to those in need and open your heart to feel others pain and not be a year of selfishness. May you pray for the leaders of this country and place them in God's hands. May we all love more and hate less. May our past remain our past, our present be our present and our future our future in His hands. God bless you and your family this year. May you find peace and comfort in and through Him.

I want to know

2008-12-29T09:16:00.002-05:00

Ok, so Christmas is over, but hopefully you'll carry it's spirit throughout the year. I want to know what your favorite part of this Christmas was and what your favorite gift was.

My favorite part of Christmas was giving. We didn't give much but what we gave was loved!!
My favorite gift would be my mp3 player! I found this morning that I can listen to my mp3 player, read a book and work out on the elliptical all at the same time. Oh how it made the time pass by faster than I expected!!

Ok, now I want to read some from you!

Ahead of things...

2008-12-27T10:33:00.003-05:00

All right, I've done it now. I've started another blog. Yes, you read that right! I am ahead of the new year's resolution thing this year. LOL!!

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T09:39:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas to all!!

A tiny babe, wrapped in swaddling clothes.
A child teaching in the synagogue.
A friend and mentor leading his sheep.
A man of miracles and promises.
A son who sacrificed himself for you and me.
A Savior who arose and is with us today.

Remember not only his birth and the miracles that surround it, but remember his walk and the life he lead. Remember today the sacrifice he would make for each of us. For without that sacrifice we would not be celebrating his birth.

May his blessings flow down upon you today and carry you through the new year!

Christmas Recipe

2008-12-21T23:02:00.003-05:00

So I have baked and cooked for Christmas presents the past couple of years. My grandma does the same every year and I so look forward to getting her box of goodies. Well several people have asked for the recipe for my cashew brittle. I get most of my recipes online and tweak them to my liking.

Buttery Cashew Brittle

2 c. sugar
1 c. light corn syrup
1 c. butter
1/2 c. water
2 c. cashews, *online recipe calls for 3 cups, coarsely chopped* but I leave mine the way they come
1 1/2 tsp. baking soda, *online calls for sifting* I don't.

Butter or spray with butter flavored spray 1 - 1inch deep cookie sheet*online recipe calls for 2 large baking sheets*. *I use throw away pans. I do this because you can turn it upside down on a regular cookie sheet to and hit the throw away one to break it up. This eliminates damage to your cookie sheet.* In a sauce pan combine sugar, syrup, butter and water. Cook over medium high heat to boiling, stirring constantly. Clip candy thermometer to pan. Cook over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until thermometer reads 275 degrees (soft crack stage).

Stir in Cashews. Continue cooking the candy, stirring frequently *so cashews don't burn*, until thermometer registers 295 degrees (hard crack stage). Remove from heat. Sprinkle the soda over mixture, stirring constantly. Pour cashew brittle mixture onto baking sheet. Cool thoroughly. Break into pieces.

Enjoy!!! Brittle is a bit tedious to make so plan to have plenty of time!!

Belles-Lettres

2008-12-18T21:24:00.003-05:00

In loving memory of Ruth Estelle Douglas ~ my Naomi!

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this Year

I see the countless Christmas trees,
Around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars,
Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear.
For I'm spending Christmas,
With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs,
That people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare,
With the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you,
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description,
To hear the angels sing.

I can't tell you of the splendor,
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?

I'll ask Him to light your spirit,
As I tell Him of your love.
So then pray one for another,
As I lift you eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful,
And let your spirit sing.
For I'm Spending Christmas in Heaven,
And I'm walking with the King.

~© Wanda Bencke ~

Christmas Thoughts

2008-12-14T20:57:00.004-05:00

A month ago I was the most excited person about Christmas. I pulled out the music and was in full swing Christmas mode. Well in the midst of that I had a break and fell far from the light holiday spirit that had filled me just weeks before. I am now ready for Christmas. Today in our young adult class one of the young men said, he was glad that the economy was doing so poorly because it has made him realize what he'd forgotten. That being what Christmas is really all about. I've heard that same statement made by so many people this season. I was also reading a friends note on facebook and the statements he made just got my attention. He said, "The One thing that I love most about Christmas is Easter.You have to have Easter in order to truly celebrate Christmas!" So very true! I love the group Downhere and found this video of one of my favorite songs that they do that really ties that statement together. The end of this video is graphic.

Whacked Upside the Head

2008-12-09T09:19:00.003-05:00

This morning I read through my devotional then popped over to look up some scriptures on biblegateway.com and the verse of the day just smacked me in the head. I love when God does that. I so often need just whacked in the head by Him to get it.

We have been studying Mark and Acts in our young adult class and it seemed the disciples even needed this action done and God oblidged them as well.

Anyway todays verse is:

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5.

*whack, whack, whack with a blow-up bat* Get it now, Shasta??? I got it! I got it!

Yesterday was my doctor's appointment and I knew before hand what she was going to say and do, but I was blessedly wrong. She is handing me off to a specialist and it's an avenue I'm excited to go down. I know that I am in God's hands and He is directing these steps. There is such a relief and weight gone now that I am geniunely happy to the core. I know the journey ahead won't be easy but with God by my side we can do it!!

Thank you to all of you who have loved me, prayed for me and just let me be for the past month and always! God has blessed me with such great friends and family!!

It's been a powerful, eye-opening, heart mending week!!

2008-12-07T13:52:00.004-05:00

I have had a break through this week. As most of you know I've been a bit down, actually way down. I told a friend I didn't just hitch a ride on the self-pity train, I got in the drivers seat. Really what I found myself doing was questioning God and turning from church and those who love me most. Last week one of my cousins made a comment on my blog and I then went to check out her blog. She had a link to a daily devotional for women on there and one of the devotions was on patience. I can hear the collective gasps that I always hear when someone mentions patience. I have not had any patience what so ever as of late. I want, what I want, and I want it NOW!! *stomping foot with hands on hips* Sound like any 2 years olds you know?? I have not been attending church regularly for the past 2 months now. I went the Sunday Dwayne preached, I stayed only for praise and worship last Sunday and really did neither; but today I stayed for church and I was genuinely happy to be there. Actually I've been genuinely happy most of this week. During praise and worship I was so moved I was crying and almost couldn't contain the tears. Those of you who know me know that I'm not an outwardly emotional person at least when it comes to crying in public. However as of late the tears just seem to flow like fountains. I'm not enjoying it too much but today they were tears that were from within. Tears of praise and worship. We sang a couple songs and I worshiped and sang, but when we sang "Mighty to Save" the lyrics ,well one in particular, just really moved me. The whole song is great! But back to the lyrics that I sang with all my heart and changed part way through the song are "Saviour, He can move the mountains." I realized today that He can move the mountains and halfway through I was singing "Saviour, You can move my mountains." Oh what a peace came over me then!!! It was almost like an epiphany for me. Then low and behold the next song just brought me to tears fully. "The Power of Your Love."

On top of all of this Porky's sermon was right on with "God perfect timing," being his first point. Oh, how I've hated that statement for the past year, but this week I have realized how true it is. I know that God will gift us with children and when He does it will be in perfect time!! Oh, how wonderful it felt to raise my hands and truly, whole-heartedly worship my Heavenly Father!!!

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment to find out what the next few months will bring me. I am hopeful but not too hopeful. I am praying that God will be in the doctor's decision and he will give me the strength to accept that decision.

Two Christmas Quizzes

2008-12-06T19:00:00.001-05:00

You Are an Angel

A truly giving soul, you understand the spirit of Christmas.

What Christmas Ornament Are You?

You Are a Cranberry and Popcorn Strung Tree

Christmas is all about showcasing your creative talents.

From cookies to nicely wrapped presents, your unique creations impress everyone.

What Christmas Tree Are You?

Cafe Chat

2008-12-06T18:22:00.002-05:00

I have been visiting the "Internet Cafe Devotions . " I love it! Anyway today before I read the devotional they have what they call Cafe Chat. They post a question and then ask you to do the share your answer. I didn't figure this out until just a bit ago so here is today's question and my answer.

Last week we asked what was the best gift that you a have ever been given. This week the question is:

If money were no option, what gift would you give to who and why?

I would love for family to have the gift I paid nothing for to begin with and that is the gift God has given me, Salvation!

I would also give to many families that I know who are going through a rough patch the means to have a worry free Christmas.

Something fun!

2008-11-30T12:44:00.002-05:00

I got a comment from one of my cousin's in Oklahoma so I went to check out her blog. I found this this on her blog and thought it to be cute. It's like 7 questions. Try it out and let me know what part of Thanksgiving you are.

You Are The Stuffing

You're complicated and complex, yet all your pieces fit together.

People miss you if you're gone - but they're not sure why.

What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?

Stripped to the Core

2008-11-23T21:55:00.004-05:00

Today was the first time in about two weeks that I attended church. I had some sort of break a couple weeks ago and just really didn't want to face anyone. I think I know exactly why I was avoiding church. This morning I was broken and to be honest I still am. When someone would ask if I was ok, I couldn't pretend that I was, but I couldn't even speak to tell them what is going on. I found myself on the verge of tears. I'm not a real emotional person usually but the past few weeks the water works have been flowing. I went to church today as Dwayne was preaching. I knew the sermon he was doing as I'd read over it before church and it was totally geared to me. He preached on persevering through it all and not giving up on God. To nag God with prayer and not cease or faint in your prayer life. I have fainted! Please check out his sermon on his blog, hopefully he will get it posted soon. I don't know if I've given up but persevering is just not coming easily. Have I stopped seeking God through this? Yes. A bit of bitterness exists there. I couldn't form a coherent reply when asked if I was ok but I did answer honestly. I told them no, I'm not ok. It is ok for me to not be ok, that is something I've realized these past few weeks. I cannot always be happy, smiley, and pretend nothing is wrong. It's not right for anyone to expect that or myself to expect that either. The service today was ended with a song by the visiting band Our City Sleeps. They sang the song by the band The Glorious Unseen called "Hear Our Prayers," which I'm posting here. If you don't want to listen I highly recommend you go find the lyrics and read through them. It's a very powerful song. There were elders, their wives and deacons in front of our church for anyone needing prayer. I really need prayer but couldn't form a word through the tears and pain toiling inside. I didn't go forward but instead sit in the pew and let my innerself toil. Later this evening we dropped a couple boys off to their mom, she said something that struck me hard. She said if you can't be vulnerable at church then where can you be vulnerable? I don't like feeling vulnerable or showing vulnerability, yet right now I'm stripped to the core and it's there for all to see. I am weak and I do need Him. He is the only one who can get me through what is going on and what lies ahead. I know I have to put all my faith in Him and His promises. I know these things it's doing them that I'm finding hard. I talked with two very dear friends of ours today who have been where we are and oh how that helped so much. I want to find a book that tells of this journey and the raw emotions you feel and how to get through it but alas it seems to be avoiding me. Ok, enough. May the song below become a prayer of yours as it has of mine. Again this is The Glorious Unseen singing "Hear Our Prayers."

Belles-Lettre

2008-11-16T11:32:00.005-05:00

I was in search of a quote this morning on hope, I came across this poem. I highlighted in bold print and italics the part that was given to me as a quote. The author of the poem speaks of a love for a woman, but I related to the poem in a different manner. I related to it as a woman desiring a child.

Not to Have and to Hold by Colfax Burgoyne Harman

Not to have and to hold, not to kiss and caress,
Just to stand at a distance and cherish and bless;
Not to fold to my bosom and lull her to sleep,
As a good ship becalmed on the breast of the deep;
Not to bathe in those tresses and drink in those eyes,
As deep as the ocean and clear as the skies;
Not to press those dear lips as my heart would desire,
Nor to do aught to quench love's insatiate fire;
Not to have and to hold, not to kiss and caress,
Just to stand at a distance and cherish and bless.

How rich seems the ore of whose vein we lose trace!
How lovely the form that we cannot embrace!
How bright seems the sun to a man in a cave...
How dear is the loved one we know we can't have!

God hath given each part and each power that we have.
Is it weakness to want... a crime to crave?
Has the eagle its wings not to soar in the sky?
The songster his tune not to warble on high?
Has the rainbow its hue and the blossom its scent
To be hidden and lost in the vast firmament?
Is the cup of our joy of so fragile a make
That, filled once in a lifetime, the vessel would break?
Must we gaze upon beauty, nor yield to its power?
Stroll all thru the garden, but touch not a flower?
Know the warmth of the sunlight, yet dwell in a cave?
Look on fashion's gay whirl, yet with loneliness rave?
Gasp for air in a meadow, yea stand on the brink
Of a world-bounded ocean, yet famish for drink?
In the wide world of plenty should famine prevail?
Must a lone life be shipwrecked in sight of a sail?

Oft who long most for gold can have nothing but dross,
Oft who seek greatest gain meet the heaviest loss,
But the gilt and the glory, of land or of sea,
And the glitter of gold are as nothing to me.
I desire nothing more and desire nothing less
Than to have you to hold and to kiss and caress.

Sweet Darling, my angel, my love's cherished dream,
My heart's sacred idol, my muse's fair theme,-
As pure as the snowflake, as fair as the flower,
As dear as the mem'ry of some vanished hour:
Voluptuous virgin, of heaven, yet earth,-
The stars sang together the morn of thy birth,
And Venus there posed and the sculptor divine
Formed his favorite image___that image was thine,
Imbued with the grace of the Master above,
Formed but to fondle, designed but to love,
Earth's costliest treasure, above or below,
The last, dearest pleasure that mortal can know___
I would sacrifice all and the sacrifice bless
Could I have you to hold and to kiss and caress.

think...breath....sshhhhhhh

2008-11-13T13:09:00.004-05:00

Can God live in a shattered heart, with no strength or hope to mend?

Belles Lettres An Original

2008-11-08T20:08:00.003-05:00

I was digging through some old totes and came across a collection of poems or shorts that I had written. Below is one of those shorts that I found.

In The Palm of My Hand

I stand silently holding in the palm of my hands a fragile mystical sphere. And in this sphere I see many things. I see a little girl her life full of wonder, yet stricken with a hidden pain. A teenage girl searching for the childhood she lost and anxious to become the woman she's meant to be. Finally, I see a woman searching for anything, where she has been but more importantly where she belongs. A hidden pain built up inside her, doubts and fears clouding her mind. She tries to remember happier times times of love and laughter, singing and cheer. But the heaviness in the realization that the darkness inside outweighs them all causes her to stumble and fall. Her tears streak down her face as her please for help go unheard. My heart aches for her. I want to help her, to pull her from her place of entrapment. She looks directly at me and my hands begin to tremble as I realize that woman is me. The fragile sphere slips slowly out of my grasp and falls, shattering into a million pieces on the cold hard floor. I feel weak, empty, and so confused. I drop to the floor in disbelief reaching slowly for a nearby piece. I pull it toward me, the sharp edges digging into my hand. I cannot believe what it is I see. I see that little girl playing her spirit wild and free. I see the teenage girl singing happily, her mind worry free. And there is the woman, there is me, finally freed. Freed from the past that haunted her so the darkness that enveloped her. My heart is suddenly filled with an unknown peace as my spirit lifts me from the floor. Lights of hope reflecting, and dancing off the shards. I glance down and see a life full of pain and misery shattered upon the floor as I'm being lifted to a place of serenity; a new life, a new beginning.

It's beginning to feel and look alot like Christmas

2008-10-30T21:59:00.002-04:00

I'm totally in the Christmas mood now! I baked some yummy gingersnap cookies today and listened to Christmas music. I get in this mood when the weather begins changing. Soon you will log on to this and find Christmas music and so on.

I posted this on my facebook and decided I would post it hear as well.

What are your favorite Christmas songs, stories, traditions, and memories???

Happy Birthday To the One who Changed my Life!!!

2008-10-27T05:35:00.005-04:00

Today is my husband, Dwayne's, birthday!! Happy Birthday!!! You have changed my life in so many ways and have blessed all those who around you. I once told you had I never met you and only met your friends I would still have agreed to marry you. There is such a testimony in the way a person treats their friends and the loyalty they show them that speaks wonders. You are everything I dreamed of in more and I could not ask for more. This year has been a year of more ups than downs but I am so thankful that you were there to help me through them. I love you!!! I hope you have a blessed day!!

Oh how I miss this!

2008-10-26T15:19:00.005-04:00

Above is a picture of my Great Grandma Leecy and my two nephew's, Jonathon and Justin. They are making my Great Grandma's famous popcorn balls. Children and adults alike come to her house to trick or treat just for those popcorn balls. May Grandma Baker, Aunt Sheril, cousin Morgan and my sister Angela joined in this fun time too. I wish I was standing in that kitchen helping them. I think the best thing about those popcorn balls is the love she puts into each one of them. MMMMM....I can taste them now!! Love you all and miss you so much. Thank you sis for sharing the pics with me!

Oh and just to let you know my mom has joined blogger. Her blog is Wanderings and Wonderings ; go check it out sometime.

I'm a new fan of...

2008-10-18T11:49:00.008-04:00

I heard this song the other day on xm radio and fell in love with the artist. I have since purchased the cd and have listened to it several times. The artist is Brooke Fraser and the song I first heard is called Shadowfeet. Unfortunately the video just isn't working to my liking so I won't post it. I encourage you to look it up on youtube tho. She has some other really good songs on youtube too. I heard this song when I was just having one of "those" days *many of those, actually.* Here are the lyrics to Shadowfeet. If I can find it on play list I'll post a play list of her stuff.

Shadowfeet by Brooke Fraser

"Shadowfeet"

Walking,stumbling on these shadowfeet
toward home,a land that i've never seen
I am changing: less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began
and i have sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day

[CHORUS]
when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

Theres distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumours of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way

[CHORUS]

You make all things new

[CHORUS]

[CHORUS 2]
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

A step back in time!!

2008-10-12T18:49:00.004-04:00

I was popping around on youtube tonight and got to thinking about shows I watched as a kid. I decided I'd grab some of the themes and share them here. What shows did you watch as a kid?? These are just a few of the shows I liked as a kid. I could think of many more. Maybe I'll start posting one from time to time just to bring back some nostalgia for myself if not others.

I HATE rollercoasters!!

2008-10-10T09:55:00.002-04:00

Ok so I used to love the real rollercoasters you wait in line an hour or more, get on, buckle up or pull down the safety bar, in 30 seconds you are back to the beginning with such adrenaline and excitement that you consider standing in line to do it all over again.

Well I got on this ride excited with anticipation, but have somehow I've gotten stuck. It's no longer fun in fact I feel like I'm in a never ending downward spiral. Now if you've ever been on one of those rollercoasters being in that section of the rollercoaster is fine for 3seconds but after that you start getting sick of it and well it just plain sucks.

I'm not used to not knowing what's going on and I'm not used to feeling this way. I HATE it.

My only hope of getting off is toughening up, placing it all at God's feet and going to my happy place.

Belles Lettres

2008-10-05T21:48:00.002-04:00

I am discontent. This poem works for my current mood or state of mind.

Ears In The Turrets Hear by Dylan Thomas

Ears in the turrets hear
Hands grumble on the door,
Eyes in the gables see
The fingers at the locks.
Shall I unbolt or stay
Alone till the day I die
Unseen by stranger-eyes
In this white house?
Hands, hold you poison or grapes?

Beyond this island bound
By a thin sea of flesh
And a bone coast,
The land lies out of sound
And the hills out of mind.
No birds or flying fish
Disturbs this island's rest.

Ears in the island hear
The wind pass like a fire,
Eyes in the island see
Ships anchor off the bay,
Shall I run to the ships
With the wind in my hair,
Or stay till the day I die
And welcome no sailor?
Ships, hold you poison or grapes?

Hands grumble on the door,
Ships anchor off the bay,
Rain beats the sand and slates,
Shall I let in the stranger,
Shall I welcome the sailor,
Or stay till the day I die?

Hands of the stranger and holds of the ships,
Hold you poison or grapes?

Prayer Request

2008-10-02T10:19:00.004-04:00

As many of you know my Great Grandma Leecy is 97 years old and still living at home with family taking turns taking care of her. I received an email today stating that she is having severe chest pains. So bad that while she lay in her bed it caused the bed to shake. She told my aunt that it was the worst pain she'd ever felt. After they subsided she went back to sleep but suffered them again later in the day. If you all could pray for her and those able to take care of her during this time. I know how hard it must be for those who are with her now as I know how hard it is for those of us so far away.

** I need me some AbbaZabba today**

Belles-Lettres an original

2008-09-30T12:02:00.002-04:00

Change

*spoken with anger*

Is it me or did it all just suddenly change?

*spoken in a whisper of the mind*

I don't think it's just me.

*spoken with anger*

Am I oblivious to what is going on around me?

*spoken in a whisper of my mind*

I thought I was well intuned.

*somberly spoken*

Change again??

*spoken in a whisper of my mind*

I can't seem to adjust, or keep up.

*spoken inquisitively*

What is change?

*spoken in realization*

Change is a constant.

*spoken in frustration*

Why change?

*spoken in an inquiry*

YOU, answer me this.

Quote

2008-09-28T21:55:00.003-04:00

"Our friendship is not one that is held within four walls," said me.

Belles-Lettres

2008-09-25T09:21:00.003-04:00

A poem on life, by Emily Dickinson

I MEANT to have but modest needs,
Such as content, and heaven;
Within my income these could lie,
And life and I keep even.

But since the last included both,
It would suffice my prayer
But just for one to stipulate,
And grace would grant the pair.

And so, upon this wise I prayed,—
Great Spirit, give to me
A heaven not so large as yours,
But large enough for me.

A smile suffused Jehovah’s face;
The cherubim withdrew;
Grave saints stole out to look at me,
And showed their dimples, too.

I left the place with all my might,—
My prayer away I threw;
The quiet ages picked it up,
And Judgment twinkled, too,

That one so honest be extant
As take the tale for true
That “Whatsoever you shall ask,
Itself be given you.”

But I, grown shrewder, scan the skies
With a suspicious air,—
As children, swindled for the first,
All swindlers be, infer.

Wonderfully, Beautiful Day!

2008-09-20T17:49:00.002-04:00

Today is absolutely one of the most beautiful days!! We had a work day to get ready for "The Second Annual Big Night." I got to run a big gas powered weed eater for over an hour which was nice at the time but boy am I paying for it. Speaking of "The Big Night" please pray for the people who will be in attendance, the speakers, the bands and the helpers that God will sweep over that farm and bless those who work there and be with us as we embark on that day and ready everyone's hearts.

Okay, back to my wonderfully, beautiful day. The weather is perfect!! We went to a friends "Oktoberfest". It was a joy and we saw friends we hadn't seen since last years or for longer than that. We took the puppies and they had a ball. They are now both passed out and we've only been home 5 minutes. To Keet and the family, thank you so much for hosting, cooking and bringing us all together for another joyous time!

I hope wherever you are that you too had a wonderfully, beautiful day!

Thought for you on this wonderfully Fall like Monday!

2008-09-15T12:42:00.002-04:00

There are exactly 100 days until Christmas or 100 sleeps as one website has it posted. Can you believe it? Where has 2008 gone?

I guess that's my question for you. Where has your year gone and taken you?

I hope I don't send anyone in a panic at the realization of just how close Christmas is. I, for one, am not.

May you have a marvelous Monday! Be thankful for the day you've been given and find the little things in life that make it all worth it.

Titled

2008-09-06T09:40:00.005-04:00

So the last post was about the weather. I do so love that weather and am glad it's back. It's been too hot and muggy here for me. I would never make it in Hell and thankfully I won't have to. Well last Friday I got to experience the drizzle in a most enjoyable time. I decided since it was only drizzling I would walk the girls up to their bus stop well about the time we go midway up it started raining a bit harder. Well I had the 10 year old run back for an umbrella and the girls huddled close underneath. I decided to enjoy the mist of the light rain and well got pretty soaked. I enjoyed it at the time but am paying for it now. I dried off in an air-conditioned house. So put two and two together and I've got a nasty cough. When I get a cough it doesn't sound like normal peoples coughs. It's deep and loud. So ugh!

Looking back I'd do it again. Standing in the rain letting it flow over you is like when I am at a concert and can sense the presence of the Holy Spirit. The song "Grace Flows Down." comes to mind in those situations. Below I've posted the lyrics to that song. Here is a youtube video of the song. I guess I should post a caution sign here as the video is graphic. Part of me is protesting that warning as the movie "The Passion of Christ" is something we should all see. While it is heart wrenching and tears at the core of our being that is what he went through for each of YOU and for me. Whenever you get down and think that you aren't worth it I want you to think of this video or better yet read about what Jesus went through. He thought and thinks you are worth it!

Oh the weather outside is...

2008-08-28T13:25:00.002-04:00

Oh, the weather outside is...delightful! Yes, I said delightful. I love dreary rainy days not to mention the temperature is just right for me as was yesterday. We are finally getting some much needed rain and I'm loving it. It reminds me of our honeymoon at least the Friday of our honeymoon. We went to Seattle and it was the only dreary rain like this day we had the whole time we were there. The temperature was great and we enjoyed an underground tour and other indoorish activities. I honestly think I could move there in a heartbeat. The weather just seemed perfect for me. Of course I might change my mind after a bit but again I like the dreariness of today.

*curls up on the front porch swing and listens as the rain falls softly through the trees*

Oh the beauty God has given us in each little thing. When it rains like this do you moan and complain? I challenge you to find the positive in it. In every drop of rain that falls a blade of grass is being refreshed as well as ponds being refilled for the fish that live in them. Cars are being washed for free, so to speak.

Most importantly when each rain drop hits your cheek be reminded that God cares enough to send the grass, plants, and animals some refreshments imagine what He does for you!!

Did I just see that on prime time tv??

2008-08-20T21:24:00.002-04:00

Tonight after returning home from church I turned on the olympics and found this commercial. I'm sure several of you have seen it, but I thought I would share it. I found the video on GodTube and it shows a little more of it.

Popcorn Memories

2008-08-20T13:58:00.004-04:00

Popcorn memories..Good blog title if you ask me. Memories are alot like popcorn they randomly pop up and trigger different emotions and thoughts. Today has been no different from any other. My memories are triggered from things like smells, events, the environment and emotions, among other things I can't think of right now.

Today my memory of a special woman in my life was triggered by the time of year. It's fair season and our county fair is going on this week. Some girls in our youth gave me this beautiful rose made of colored duck tape. They even sprayed them with perfume and said they were entering them in the fair. Well this morning when I awoke I began thinking of the fair and entries. You see my Great Aunt Shirley *my Grandma's sister* always had this huge garden. Her garden was full of flowers and vegetables and all other sorts of things. I'm talking big, big and beautiful. She would take something from her garden, that she tended and loved, and would enter it into the fair for one of the great grandkids. Now I don't know exactly how many of us there were but now there is 33 of us. I don't know if she still does this for the younger greats that are still up and coming or maybe the great greats. I know that health has played a factor in how big the gardens are and so forth but the strength of the women in my life is amazing and I wouldn't put it past her a bit. Anyhow back to the entries. I loved to go to the county fair and search the tables for the item she put in the fair under my name. She would give us each the ribbon we won!! It was so exciting!

Well that got me thinking a bit more about my Aunt Shirley and this memory came to mind. One day I had gotten sick at school and my mom was working so Aunt Shirley picked me up or maybe my mom picked me up and drove me to her house. Whoever picked me up stopped at the local restaraunt in the back of the old grocery store and got me some ginger ale or sprite. Either way I went to Aunt Shirley's house until my parents got off work. She asked me what I'd like for lunch and I for some weird reason requested french fries. She made a heaping plate full and all I ate was one. To top it off she had given me pepto bismal. *For the record, I hate pepto!!* Well the french fry and pepto didn't stay in me for long at all. For the rest of the afternoon I curled up on her pull out sofa and slept.

Aunt Shirley also makes the best blarney stones. I recently got the recipe and made them myself. Everyone who ate them loved 'em but boy are they a mess to make and far far from healthy for ya!!

I am so blessed to have women in my life who have set exemplary examples and Aunt Shirley is just one of those many women.

I love how God just pops those memories in your head to bring a bit of happiness to the table, sometimes sadness and alot of times to learn from.

Prayer Warriors Unite!

2008-08-14T06:01:00.002-04:00

Today a young man who I have grown to love is having surgery. His name is Patrick and he is 10 years old. Last summer he had surgery on his right leg to correct a twist in his bone to allow for him to walk correctly. The surgery went well but his healing did not. The plate they placed in his right hip collapsed *a pin broke off* and today he goes in to have it corrected. During this surgery they will also be going in to adjust the length of his left leg as there is a 3 inch difference between the two legs. They hope to get it down to an inch or so difference. Many of you have had children or know children around the age of 10 and know that they are very active children and Patrick is no exception!! He is a very determined young man and will be virtually immobile during the healing process due to a double cast with a bar in the middle. So I ask that you unite today in praying for this young man.

Pray for skilled hands for the doctor's, patience for the nurses, strength for Angie his mom, and for as little pain as possible for Patrick. Pray that through God's power and healing touch that Patrick will heal quickly and properly. Pray for unity within the family to know when help is needed and grant it.

I love you, Patrick!!

Reflecting on Sarah

2008-08-13T06:28:00.002-04:00

Good Morning!!

This morning I am reflecting on Sarah. (Genesis chapters 17-21) I realize how like Sarah I am. Sarah had a dream of having a son. I believe God places certain dreams in each of us and like Sarah, motherhood is one of those dreams for me.
A definition of dreams I found is:
1. A series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep. 2. A condition or achievement that is longed for; an aspiration.
The question posed is, how often do we try to do God's work for him? I mean, like Sarah she thought she could make it happen as seen with Hagar and it blew up in her face. How often do we, or shall I say I, do that? Instead of being patient and waiting for God to do I/we try to help it along? It does the opposite of what we intended, even when we do it with good intentions. Sometimes the situation makes us become ugly inside and out. Like Sarah, I have a God, who despite all my intended help and faults, loves me!

I will leave you with a prayer that was at the end of my Sarah study.

"Father, thank you for loving me despite the fact that my soul still contains shadows that sometimes block the light of your Spirit. As I grow older, may I trust you more completely for the dreams you've implanted in my soul, the promises you've made me. Like Sarah, may I be surrounded by laughter at the wonderful way you accomplish your purpose despite my weakness. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Genesis 21:6 "God has brought me laughter."

My question to you, How has God brought you laughter?

"

Just Smiles

2008-08-11T07:00:00.002-04:00

Lyrics from a childhood favorite popped in my head today and I thought I'd share them with you! Have a very blessed Monday!!

Rise and shine
And give God the glory, glory
Rise and shine
And give God the glory, glory
Rise and shine
And give God the glory, glory
Children of the Lord

What are some of your childhood songs that still bring a smile to your face??

WHACK, SMACK right between the eyes

2008-08-08T11:00:00.003-04:00

First off thank you all for the response to my last post. I found it very neat reading about each of your names meanings!!

A couple of weeks ago we postponed our 20Somethings Sunday morning class while most of our class attends a new membership course at the Chapel. I started going to class with the women. Would you believe that what they are studying is exactly what I need at this point in my life?? Of course it is! Last week we talked about grumbling and attitudes while waiting. Well this week our teacher is out and one of the ladies mentioned me teaching. I decided I would do the study for the week just in case. Well I did it today and you know what God smacked me right between the eyes today!!! They are doing the study Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. Last weeks quote so to speak that I took away and it tied in to this week is: "Patience is not the ability to wait, it is the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting."

Patience seems to always pop up in conversations and since seeing the movie Evan Almighty this quote from the character playing God always comes to mind.

Morgan Freemon as God: Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

Well today I learned more about being patient. Below is a few of the things I picked up from my study today. I really, really needed this!!

"Impatience is the fruit of pride and the only answer to pride is humility."

Example: Pride says, "I'm ready now!" Humility says, "God knows best, and He will not be late!"

I have totally been on the pride side of this for months now.

One other thing that really stood out was this:
"Work with the Holy Spirit as He develops the fruit of patience in you. The more you resist Him, the longer the process will take. Learn to respond patiently in all kind s of trials, and you will find yourself living a quality of life that is not just endured but enjoyed to the full."

Whenever someone prays for patience I usually hear someone else pipe in please note God that they prayed for the patience not me. After reading the above paragraph I hope they rethink that mentality.

Finally. "We need to learn to enjoy where we are while we are on our way to where we are going."

There was a prayer at the end of the chapter and it is so fitting that I am going to try to commit it to memory and make it my prayer.

"Lord, I want Your will in Your timing. I do not want to be ahead of You, nor do I want to be behind You. Help me, Father, to wait patiently on You!"

I just love it when God places me in a place where I get exactly what He wanted me to get. It's a *WHACK, SMACK* right between the eyes that sinks into the mind and heart!!

Meaning of Your Name?

2008-08-05T17:20:00.004-04:00

Today in reading my bible study I was reading about Sarah *whose story gives me more hope than ever*. The study got into the meaning of names of course because she laughed when God told her she would be a mother at 90. She then named her son Isaac which means "he laughs." Sarah's name means princess which is fitting since she was the princess of a nation.

Names in the bible seemed to have significance more so than today. Other names and their meanings. Ben-Oni, "son of my trouble". His mother Rachel was dying when she was giving birth. Jacob renamed him Benjamin, which means "son of my right hand." Isaiah means "the Lord saves", Obadiah means "servant of the Lord", Nahum's name means "comfort" and Malachi's name means "my messenger." 'All through the bible God gives his people names that offer a picture of their significance and worth to him.'

My name is Shasta and well as you can imagine it's not a name that is found many places. It's of Native American Indian origin. People often say, "like the soda, mountain or flower." A few meanings I was able to find: Praised, Commended, and Teacher. My dad actually picked my name. He was watching one of his beloved John Wayne movies "Rio Lobo" and one of the characters, Jeniffer O'Neill, was named Shasta. My sister used to tease me and call the movie Rio Loco.

So I want to know what your name is and what it's meaning or significance is? Were you named after someone?

God gave me a few names like "treasured possesion", and "friend."

New Look

2008-08-03T08:38:00.005-04:00

So last Sunday I received an email full of pictures from my Great Grandma's 97th birthday celebration. It was so great to see all the people in the pictures!! It's not the same as seeing them in person, but it's close. I'm really missing Oklahoma and I know God will get me home when the time is right. I decided to change my background to an Oklahoma feel. I just love those fields of wheat and the sky there is oh so amazing at night!! I can totally picture everything from the smells, the heat, the people..just everything. I am at peace when I paint that picture in my mind and heart. What a wonderful gift God gave us in our senses. It is so easy for me to transfer myself back to Oklahoma through scents, sights and sounds. I do this often especially when riding in the car back to my friend Tina's house. I get car sick or queasy when I go there and have found that picturing myself driving from Woodward to Grandma Leecy's counters that. You see Oklahoma has straight roads with very few hills unlike the winding roads of West Virginia. There are times when driving back to my friends house that I think I've done a full circle on the curves. I'm pretty sure if you look at a map that is just what they did to. Anyhow, I posted down below a song by Martina McBride. Sadly, I couldn't find it on my playlist so I put up a youtube video someone made, but you have to push play to get it to work. I haven't figured the whole auto-play html code for youtube yet.

**Goes and curls up in the grass under the Oklahoma sky**

Belles-Lettres

2008-07-22T10:44:00.000-04:00

Hidden Blessings
by Pauline Hamblin

Thank you God for the valleys,
That I sometimes find myself in.
A life that is always sunshine
And no rain would bring
A world without flowers,
Or gardens to tend.
The rivers would all dry up.
The ocean's a dream.
A world without happiness,
to me, it would seem.

Life can't be all blessing -
There would be no need
To talk with God,
Or bow at His feet.
Heaven would be meaningless,
Angels would be without song.
Life on earth would be boring,
and the days here would be long.

Huffin' and Puffin'

2008-07-21T12:07:00.002-04:00

So today I got back to the gym. I had gone when I had my appointments with the trainer but haven't since. I just haven't had the motivation. This morning I woke and dressed for the gym and it took me 2 hours to actually get up and go. I looked up some things on motivation and all of a sudden I was read to get up and go!! I only did two rounds of my circuit training but that's more than I've done in 3 weeks. I have two reasons to work out and lose weight. The first is for myself and the second is for our children whenever they might come along.

Now to find a job! One step at a time!

More on Eve

2008-07-15T10:33:00.004-04:00

So today I continued the study on Eve. Something was mentioned I had never thought of. Eve was the first mother, which I knew but she was the only woman on the earth at the time she gave birth. She gave birth with the help of Adam. She had no mother there to hold her hand or friends to congratulate her. Just her and Adam. Nothing to dull the pain, no tricks to get her in the right position to ease the pain. No mid-wife or doctor. could you imagine? While at times I say, "I'm going to have a talk with Eve when I get to Heaven." But you know what in learning about her and her life I've changed my mind. She went through so much and through her choices went through them alone. Oh the things I can learn from Eve.

New Devotional

2008-07-14T08:36:00.002-04:00

On Saturday we took my mom and step-dad to the Christian book store in Winchester to get them new Bibles. I found myself a new devotional and Dwayne several cds and what he though was the veggie tales pirate movie. Turned out to be the sing a-long.

Well the devotional I chose was the mother's of the Bible. I think I chose it for encouragement. I'm not really sure. I looked for a devotional that had to do with starting a family but really didn't find anything.

I started the devotional yesterday and I really like it. All week I will be studying about Eve, the mother of all living things. Eve had it so great those first few days, knowing no pain, no discord, no sadness. And then she was tempted and suddenly her life turned upside down. She lost paradise. I couldn't even imagine. Of course we live in the land where she was sent and now await the entrance into paradise. I can only imagine what it will be like.

Yesterday in Porky's sermon he gave a scripture for all those who felt that it's just impossible and this week I've made them my memory verses. Not only am I making them my memory verses but my prayers at time when it just seems impossible for me.

He gave us Mark 10:27, "Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."

Jeremiah 32:17, "Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you."

That last verse I look at and it's almost a duh verse for me! How can I question what seems impossible when I have a God who I know made the earth and heavens? How can I question a God who has given me so much already? It's easy I question Him just like that. I know He can do all these things but I still question Him.

Happy Birthday, Mom!!

2008-07-11T11:32:00.004-04:00

Today I am celebrating my mom's birthday with her!!! Here is one of my favorite pictures of her and I that doesn't date way back ;) **Turn off player to the right**

5 things I love about my mom!
1. She's beautiful!
2. She's smart!
3. She's strong!
4. She's loving!
5. All my friends called her mom growing up!
and the number one bonus!!
She is my mom and my best friend!!

When I moved to Maryland away from my family my mom gave me the below song on a cd and wrote me a beautiful letter to go with it. She cried all the way to the airport and more importantly she let me fly! She gives me courage and encouragement to continue reaching for my dreams and someday I will be a mother and will cherish what she has taught me about mother's. I love you mom!! Happy, Happy Birthday!!

My veins run deep and small

2008-07-08T08:29:00.002-04:00

Ok so yesterday I set out with Becky and Paul to Winchester. I was supposed to give blood and she had an appointment so we car pooled. I sat in the chair and the little nurse went to take my blood and she felt around on both arms and then my hands. *they usually get blood from my hands* So reassuringly she went for help and an older nurse came in and did the same except she poked my hand and deep *read OUCH*!! To top it off she was getting nothing out of the vein she poked of course until she pulled the needle out. I am not a baby by any means when it comes to needles, they've never bothered me. So I suggested that I come back tomorrow *today* as I have another appointment down in Winchester anyway. She said great now go home and drink water until you feel like you're swimming in it. Well that works out well since I have to drink water for my next appointment anyway.

We scurried off to Becky's appointment at Winchester Hospital. I found it very hard walking into the hospital as we haven't been since Ruth was there. I made it through and we had a splendid day. We had lunch together and then enjoyed Rita's which we brought home some for the hubby's and family too!!

Today both Dwayne and I are going for my appointment at the hospital and with him I know it will be even harder.

belles lettres - an original

2008-07-03T11:44:00.004-04:00

How quick a change can do such harm

She slowly bent down toward the bright yellow flower,
uncaring, plucked it from it's only life source.
The flowers hues quickly fading, making it grow pale.
How quick a change can do such harm.
Twirl the flower between the ever tightening grip of the fingers.
Then rip a petal from its core while saying "I have it!"
Much like she did as a child instead giggling and saying, "he loves me!"
fingers let the petal fall, swirling down to the awaiting darkness.
Again rip a petal from its core, sighing..."I had it"
Much like she did as a child instead sadly sighing..... "he loves me, not."
fingers let the petal fall, swirling down to the awaiting darkness.
Once Again rip a petal from its core, saying "I have it!"
fingers let the petal fall, swirling down to the awaiting darkness.
Then Again rip a petal from its core, sighing..... "I had it"
fingers let the petal fall, swirling down to the awaiting darkness.
Yet Again rip a petal from its core, saying "I have it!"
fingers let the petal fall, swirling down to the awaiting darkness.
Finally rip the last petal from its core, sighing..... "I had it"
Tears well as the pale yellow petal drifts to the darkness below.
Once such beauty and vibrant hues bringing smiles to those around.
Now just a shell of desperate yearning to reconnect to her life source.

Decision Making. Why can't it be easy??

2008-07-01T21:11:00.002-04:00

So last Thursday was my last day with a family who I have grown to love so dearly. They gave me the most perfect gift on my last day. I got a photo collage of the kids that shows each child's personality perfectly! I love it so much!! Bolingbroke's you mean the world to me and I will definitely be keeping in touch with you all! Much love!!

I did receive an email from a job I had applied for and thought that it had fallen through, but this week I decided to email a local bakery type place to see if they are hiring. I haven't heard back from them yet and a big part of me hopes they say no. If they say no then I don't have to really choose between the two. I know which I would choose but it's not the practical one and the one that will help us as a family so I'd have to turn it down. But again I'll enjoy the other job just as much I'm sure. Why can't those decisions be easier?

I also have some appointments coming up that might shed some light on other things going on with me and my body.

I know that God is in control of everything that is going on and I know He has my best interest at heart even if I don't agree.

So I wait for His answers.

Blessings

2008-06-29T11:17:00.003-04:00

Yesterday we headed down to Solomon's, MD for an 80th birthday party for Buster's, Grandma Jessie! It was a fun evening and she seemed to enjoy herself greatly! Dwayne was the dj and I just rode along so to speak. I ended up being a sound tech thing *not by choice* I truly thought Buster was kidding!!

Anyhow we came back to the hotel for a good nights sleep!! I am pretty positive that these beds were made from the clouds of Heaven!! We are heading out today to take in Solomon's Island and spend the day near the water. I have a thing for water, any water really. I find the sound very relaxing.

I have noticed over the past several weeks that I find myself daily in awe of God's creation. From the slight breeze while working outside as if a kiss gently brushing your cheek. To the raw power and beauty of Niagara Falls as the water rushes and spills over below. The sunrises and sets that paint the sky every morning to and from work! The hugs from children who truly love you despite your tended spurts of anger or complete loss of mind. The time spent with a mother who not matter what your faults loves you unconditionally. The ability to laugh even when it all seems to crumble! The knowing that even when it's crumbling that God will be there to help put the pieces back together, this time the way He intended not the way you chose to. Friends who are just that friends!! A phone voice mail from my nephew wanting to tell me of his field trip and at the end saying "I love you, aunt Shasha!" My husband who showers love upon me throughout the day and doesn't hesitate to set me straight when I'm obviously wrong *that latter parts goes for my friends too*!! I am so blessed to be loved by so many and that I have a God that continually shows me beauty in my surroundings. I am also blessed that I have a God who made me, who gave breathed life into me and who has given me so much!

I hope you too will stop each morning and count your blessings and begin your day in thanksgiving. I have found that it helps when times of grumbling!

Today we head out to enjoy a little more of that beauty and I forgot my camera! *grumble, grumble* :P Go figure!! No more grumbling because I am sharing this day with my husband and I can store away what I see in my heart and mind and just tell you to come and experience it for yourself.

"The Shack" by William P. Young

2008-06-26T22:20:00.002-04:00

The other day Dwayne and I were at Wal-Mart looking at the book section. I picked up a book read the back of it and had decided I would like to read the book and we'd look into purchasing it. Well the next day Dwayne texted me asking if I'd ordered the book. I said, no why? Well we had gotten it in the mail from someone who'd already read it. I don't know who you are, although I have a good idea. Thank you!! I started the book Tuesday and finished it up today. If you get the chance check this book out. I can't wait for Dwayne to read it so I can discuss it with him. I have so much stuff running through my head now and want to talk, talk, talk about it. The book has left me really thinking and realizing some new things. Again thank you to the person who sent us the book, it is just what I needed.

I brought a point that I had read in the book up tonight in our 20 Somethings class, something to chew on.

I am really bad about judging people and the book made me realize something. When I choose to judge someone I essentially am judging God. He is the creator of every being and for me to judge them would make me the judge of God as well. Does that make sense??

One of the gents in the class said that it was right as when we critic a painting by Van Gogh we aren't judging the art piece but the artist who painted it.

Something to chew on and work on.

Words To Live By

2008-06-25T19:49:00.002-04:00

I am still alive!! Heh..if you were wondering. I sit down sometimes to blog and think I've got something good and then it's gone. I will definitely get around to updating you eventually but I wanted to share something with you. My dear, dear cherished friend Angie sent me this in my email today and I love it!!!

Words to live by:

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the
morning, Satan shudders and says...

"Oh crap....she's awake!!'

I just love it!!

Laughing in the midst of it all

2008-06-12T10:35:00.003-04:00

Ok, so yesterday was a day to beat all days!! I honestly hope it's never beaten. After posting yesterday morning I was enveloped with a great peace!! I love my Lord!!
This verse was part of my devotional and it is so fitting.
"MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU, FOR MY POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS,"( 2 CORINTHIANS 12:8-9 ) Oh, How true that is!!

Anyhow the day got interesting as Patrick returned from his last day at school which was a half day. I have never understood the half day thing and never will. He was in a very energetic mood and disappeared to his room to work on his computer. Soon after his disappearing I heard a drill. I promptly retrieved the drill and put it away. He was trying to hang a picture in his room. no huge damage done or at least that I could find. But then something else was not right and downstairs I heard water bubbling. I went and checked the toilet and it didn't looked clogged just a bunch of big bubbles coming out of it. Well I turned the water off on the back of the toilet and that didn't stop the water. I grabbed towels and blankets and called for help. *Note to self: In any nanny interview ask where all cut offs for water and electric are!* The main level bathroom flooded and hence the basement. I had Patrick trying to help me and Angie walking me through the steps of shutting everything off. The fire alarm started going off and all I could envision was the fire department, police, ambulance and all running in to find me covered in sweat and really clueless. That didn't happen! Angie got a hold of roto rooter and 3 hours later the problem was fixed. Unfortunately the damage was done. The ceiling in their basement is in need of replacing so please keep them in your prayers as they begin the daunting task of clean-up. I messaged Dwayne during the whole goings on that there was a flood and he said what's going on? I promptly replied "it's flooding." hehe..a bit of humor found in the midst of it all.

Last night I met Becky, Paul, Mom and Dwayne at the theater and we saw Kung Fu Panda. It sure felt good to laugh with people who I care about!!

After returning home I checked my email. Some of you know I had an interview this week that went great! Unfortunately the issue of taxes put a damper on it and I did not get the job. Oddly I am at peace. Well not really oddly. I know that God is in control of the situation and has something in mind for me!!

I hope that today you are able to find laughter in the midst of it all!!

From the heart of a broken one

2008-06-11T08:25:00.004-04:00

Dear Heavenly Father,

Today I feel so weak, so exhausted. I feel regret and pain. You know all of these things Lord. You know what is going on in my head and heart. I don't know what to do or what I'm doing. I need you Lord. A couple of verses have come to mind today and I cling to them. The first being:

Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Right now I am curling up at your feet and crying out to you. I can't do this anymore. I can't do it alone and sadly it has taken me getting to this stage to seek you fully. I have so many questions Lord. So many why's?

Now, I claim this verse: Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." I am curling up at your feet and am going to be still Lord. I am yours. I seek strength, guidance, love but most of all forgiveness.

I know that you have gone through much more than I am and can relate to what I feel and am thinking. I know I should focus on my many blessings Lord, but there is so much turmoil inside me that it is overshadowing those blessings.

I wrote a poem a long time ago and the girl in the poem was looking at this sphere. Inside the sphere was a girl she didn't quite recognize and when she finally did it was herself, her life. The sphere slipped from her hands and shattered into a million pieces on the floor. I feel like that now. I've broken into a million pieces. The pieces are beautiful strung across the floor reflecting the light but they are dangerous. Please help me put the pieces together again. I know that it won't be easy and that there will be cuts along the way but I am ready.

I thank you for the sacrifice you made for me Lord. For the pain you suffered to save me. I thank you for the love and forgiveness you pour out on me everyday Lord. I thank you for the people you've placed in my life who help carry me through and bring happiness to my life. I thank you for the people you have placed in my life who keep testing my faith in you Lord, without them I fear I would grow content to stay where I am and not continue seeking you out Lord. They help to remind me I can't do this on my own and that I need you!

In Your Precious Name, Amen

A bit of this and that

2008-06-10T11:05:00.003-04:00

This weekend was a bit full but not really. Saturday we had our creative arts thing at church and I caught up on bulletins and what not. Then we headed down to visit a dear friend of mine in Germantown. We were dropping off a gift we'd picked up for her in Niagara. We took her to dinner at a restaraunt called Greenfield in Rockville. This restaraunt is pricey but worth it. Go hungry!! It's a Brazilian bbq that is all you can eat. You are seated and they explain what to do if you're a new comer. Well I was so heard the explanation. There is a little wooden block thing that looks like a stop light. Red, yellow, and green squares. After you have visited the salad bar, which was very lacking except for past salads and weird soups. You finish that up and turn the block so the green square is up. That's when it gets interesting. These meat runners come by *not all at once* with different selections of meat on them and slice it right there and put it on your plate. They served anything from turky wrapped in bacon *my favorite* to roast beef to lamb to different cuts of steaks. When you have gotten a few different pieces or what you want for the time being you turn the wooden thing so the red square is pointing upwards. You continue this until you are full or satisfied in my case. We then asked about dessert figuring it was a seperate cost but it wasn't. This girl wheeled this three tier cart over with 7 different desserts I believe. Let's see we had four of them. I had chocolate, chocolate cheesecake, mom had a passion fruit pudding *awesome*, Mamen had flan and Dwayne chose napolian, that left carrot cake on the dessert cart so only 5 desserts. We shared all four! I would definately go again!!

Sunday came and found us busy yet again. We had church, a small gathering afterwards to honor our graduations, and then we went over to celebrate our friend Stephanie's birthday. She is just a few weeks older than me. It was a delightful cook out and fun just conversing with them.

Monday found me in the dentist office. Finally finished up getting the implant. It looks great and wasn't painful either! Well the beginning stages were but the final stage wasn't. My mom and I then went shopping and picked a few things up then headed home. She and I played the new Indiana Jones Lego on Playstation 2 practically all day yesterday and most of the weekend. It was fun just hanging out doing the same thing which we both enjoy!

Aslan our little male puppy had surgery yesterday and is recovering quite well. Niether dog likes being away from the other.

Softball was last night and although we lost it was still fun, but nasty hot. Have I mentioned that I hate the heat!!! I would rather be cold than hot!

This week is to be exciting as well. Abbey *the littlest girl I watch* turns 4 today!! I have an interview tonight! Patrick's last day of school is tomorrow with the other 3 finishing up on Friday. Next week 4 of the kids and I will be headed up to the Chapel for VBS for 4 days as I have an important appointment next Friday that I will not and cannot miss!!!

As I played catch-up today with blogs and email from my absence from them this week, you are now fully caught up with me. HEHE!!

Eccentric Ramblingz

Baking Evolution

From Delicious to Decorating

All figured out??? I think not!!

Resolutions!?

Lots of Updates

5 months!!!!

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

One Month Old!! Now who does he look like??

McKinley David Douglas!!!

Little Things

Almost time

Pearls of Wisdom??

Slipping Away

God's got it under control!!

Touched by the Music

Just a thought on pregnancy

Recent Doctors Appointment

Can we skip full days??

Memories and Lessons

Emotionally Charged

Deep, Meditative Thoughts

My Favorite Photo

I'm sooooo excited!!! no that's not the right wording

Browsing Around

Cute Find

More Ramblings

On Top of Things or just Over Zealous

Gotta love those fleeting moments!

A bit overwhelmed

Popcorn Ramblingz from a Pregnant Woman's Mind

Best and Worst?

It's Official

Finding my way, back to Him....again

I Miss Her

We are home.

Oklahoma!

Belles-Lettres An Original

Raw

I Believe In Love

Belles-Lettres

Goosebumps from a Sunday Morning Pew

The Shepherd

Cafe Chat Feb 7th

Taj Majal

Picture Tag

Lampstands

I have pockets!!

Happy New Year!

I want to know

Ahead of things...

Merry Christmas

Christmas Recipe

Belles-Lettres

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this Year

Christmas Thoughts

Whacked Upside the Head

It's been a powerful, eye-opening, heart mending week!!

Two Christmas Quizzes

Cafe Chat

Something fun!

Stripped to the Core

Belles-Lettre

Not to Have and to Hold by Colfax Burgoyne Harman

think...breath....sshhhhhhh

*Belles Lettres* An Original

It's beginning to feel and look alot like Christmas

Happy Birthday To the One who Changed my Life!!!

Oh how I miss this!

I'm a new fan of...

A step back in time!!

I HATE rollercoasters!!

Belles Lettres

Prayer Request

Belles-Lettres an original

Quote

Belles-Lettres

Wonderfully, Beautiful Day!

Thought for you on this wonderfully Fall like Monday!

Titled

Belles Lettres An Original

Just Smiles

WHACK, SMACK right between the eyes

Huffin' and Puffin'