Ever since last Saturday I've been in a down hill spiral. Is there such a thing? Does one ever go in an up hill spiral? Last Saturday we were enjoying a wonderful afternoon together, just Dwayne and I. We went up to Frederick to do some shopping and just hang out together. We stopped at a stop light and I looked over and in the minivan next to us a little baby was peeking over the bottom of the window in our direction. My first thought was awwww...how cute! But then this sinking feeling hit and tears threatened. All I could think is I want one. I stared at that baby well through the light and longed to be holding one, embracing one. I held it together not wanting to ruin the afternoon. As this week went on it didn't get any better. I fell on Wednesday, twisting my ankle and then caught a stomach bug. On top of that another month is going by and confirmation again that we are not pregnant. I have hope, I truly do. But with each month something feels as if it is ripped out of me. I hold it together or in as long as I can and then comes the day I break. Today was that day. Every little thing set me off. If I could paint a picture of my emotional state today it would look something like this.
The Scream by Edvard Munch.
The red streaks at the top of this painting remind me of the anger and rage I am feeling.
Can you feel it?
The darkness of the painting is where I find myself lurking all too often as of late.
What do you see in the darkness?
The pools of water are the tears that flood from the depths of my heart.
Will they escape those depths?
The scream pierces through my heart and longs to release, but never does.
Can you hear it?
My hands, however, are clinched tightly in fists either raised in the air or pressed to sides.
Are you on your guard?
Friends and others I keep at a distance as this painting shows.
How far away have I pushed you?
There is hope tho, for there is light in the painting that I seek through all of this.
In the pain, In the anger, In the confusion,
In the loneliness, In the self-pity, In the struggles
There is Light!
The Scream by Edvard Munch.
4 comments:
"...For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
"Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."
Jeremiah 29:11
Love you
No answers - few words
Just love and hugs
I'm so sorry that you are going through such a hard time.
I remember a time, not too long ago...Randy & I were babysitting for a friend and I was holding the little girl on my lap while rocking on the front porch. She fell asleep in my arms and started bawling. Through my tears I said to Randy, "I just want one of my own." Shasta, your time will come. Keep the faith- and let yourself feel the pain, you have to just let all those horrible emotions hit. We are here for you. We love you and we are praying for you.
Mara
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