I frequent a devotional site and each Saturday they post a question. I haven't answered one in a while but today's just struck me. The back ground of the woman, Helen, in the question is she was a missionary to the Congo in 1964 where she was beaten, humiliated and raped by a truckload of brutal soldiers. If you'd like more background to this story then pop on over to Internet Cafe Devotions and read her whole paraphrase. But here is the question and a direct quote.
“There was no bitterness within her, though Helen had experienced terrible, mindless evil. It would have been so easy to demand of God why He allowed these atrocities, when she had been so faithful to His service. But in her heart of hearts, she felt that God’s question would be, “Can you thank Me for trusting you with this experience, even if I never tell you why?”
That question stopped me in my tracks, and for today’s Chat I would like to hear your thoughts about this question...Of course this is the question that Helen felt like God was asking her, but I think it is a good question for all of us to ponder.
So the question is "Can you thank Me for trusting you with this experience, even if I never tell you why?" I am thinking this question through and finding it rather hard to answer. I am putting it to this whole fertility thing going on with me or lack of it seems. Can I thank God for trusting me with this?? Honestly, right now, no. It gets harder and harder everyday. The emotional toll takes so much out of me that it's hard to even find glimmers of happiness that I can enjoy. There are moments tho that still take my breath away and bring joy to my heart!! Friends are well meaning but most haven't been where I am or understand it. I still love them tho!! Walking through the baby clothes section gets to me or seeing newborns. I won't hesitate to oogle over a baby all the while running through my head is, I want one! The doctors visits that can only happen a particular time of month that get canceled and I have to wait through another month with no answers, a little more of my hope fleets away.
The oldest girl I watch this week was talking about kids and her views on only children. I looked at her and said I want two children but I would settle for just one.
I wish God didn't have this kind of trust in me. And I pray for answers daily. I never thought of the end of that question; "even if I never tell you why?" I want to know and there is a chance I might not know and that is going to be hard to handle. Can I handle it and thank God for trusting me through this?? I hope I can, that's as honest as I can be right now. I hope!!
3 comments:
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us at the Cafe today... Blessings to you sweet one...
Thank you for sharing so honestly your feelings about infertility. My heart goes out to you as I remember what it felt like for us.
Our oldest took almost five years to conceive, our send was the same amount of time. Our third took five years as well but I m/c in my fourth month. We tried to adopt a foster baby but the doors were closed on that as well.
Infertility is so hard because every month it's like the death, the death of a dream of ever being a mom. At least, that's what it felt like.
Even though we have two I always wanted more and my heart so longed but the Lord said no.
God is faithful, as you are finding. He will never fail you, my sweet friend.
Thanks for your honesty! You may be interested in reading the post on my blog, "It's Okay to Cry." It's actually written by my daughter-in-law who is experiencing many of the same feelings you are. I joined "the Chat" this week for the first time, sharing my own personal struggle with the question. Admittedly, it's a tough one!!
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